This blog is officially "retired," but my other blog,
"The Lair of the Silver Fox," is still open for business!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Short Shorts

(Please keep in mind that I've been blogging for a while... just not at this web address. For now, previous "Short Shorts" entries can be accessed here, along with all of my other David'Z RantZ posts from the past. Eventually, most -- if not all -- of the other "Short Shorts" will show up here.

We now return you to your actual blog posting.)

1) I'm so glad The Dark Ages are over, and have been for a while now. I'm defining "The Dark Ages" as the period of about fifteen years when the Kentucky Fried Chicken chain referred to their restaurants as, simply, KFC. Contrary to whatever outlandish explanations you may have heard (mutant chickens, anyone?), they were simply trying to avoid the use of the word "fried," not to mention a couple of other, even-more-yawn-provoking reasons.

So, now that they've resumed using the entire name of the franchise, they have several ads that feature a certain classic rock song performed by an iconic Southern rock band, Lynrd Skynrd. And that song, which I'm sure you're all familiar with, is "Sweet Home Alabama."

"Sweet. " "Home." "Alabama."

Okay, boys'n'girls, what's wrong with this picture?

I mean, whassamatter, you entrepreneurial mother-pluckers? Neil Diamond want too much money for "Kentucky Woman?" Hell, you could've had somebody re-work "My Old Kentucky Home," couldn't you? That's in the public domain!

*sigh*

2) Speaking of restaurants, I have it on good authority that more than 50% of all new restaurants fail within six months of opening. ("Good authority" being Charles Grodin's character in "Midnight Run." But I digress.)

And I know why.

It's those damned salt and pepper packets.

No, really. Think about it. Whenever I get take-out from a restaurant, they're usually pretty good about including ketchup packets, tartar sauce, mayonnaise, jellies, and the like... although, try getting a crummy little container of peanut butter for a lousy English muffin and they look at you like you've got two freakin' heads... !!!

*ahem*

Sorry.

Anyway, all the condiments mentioned above are things you probably would've required anyway. But those little salt and pepper packets? Who needs them? Who really uses them? Yet they give them to you no matter what you order. I'm sure there are some people out there who need to salt a freakin' sandwich, fer cryin' out loud, but I'm betting that most people don't. Never mind, say, an English muffin. Why would I want salt and/or pepper for a muffin-to-go, as opposed to the peanut butter I can't get to save my ass?

And those teeny-tiny, insignificant paper envelopes with salt and pepper don't cost much, I know. Probably about a nickel for a 400 pound box that holds about a zillion of the little buzzards. But that's the deceptive part of the equation. "Penny-wise and pound foolish," and all that.

It's an insidious and unnecessary cost, one that doesn't readily figure into your financial statements!

If someone gives a customer an extra $20 bill in his change, it'll be spotted by the end of the business day. If someone leaves a case of frozen fish sticks outside of the freezer overnight, they can figure exactly what their loss is when they find it in the morning.

But those salt and pepper packets? Ha! No tracing them.

So, Mr. Restaurateur, you just continue letting your employees give them out like they cost nothing. (Literally nothing, not next to nothing.)

And when you close your doors forever, don't come crying to me.

3) I love Chelsea Handler. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Ms. Handler, she's the hostess of an outrageous and funny show on E! called "Chelsea Lately."

Why do I love her? Well, among other reasons, she has done something twice in the past couple of weeks which I myself would've debated doing... before probably chickening out in a misguided attempt to be polite.

She corrected two different people who, referring to the then-upcoming holiday, called it "Valentimes Day." And as we all should know, it's "Valentine's Day." With an "N." I mean, come on, it's the name of a saint, people. Saint Valentine. Have a little respect, willya?

(And yes, I know that the "holiday" itself as it is today is a commercially-driven, bullsh*t holiday, but I'm sure that Saint Valentine himself -- or actually, "themselves" -- must have had his/their good point/points, or he/they never would've been canonized.

So. Why do people make that mistake? What, do they think, "Summertime... Christmas time... Valentimes?"

Butt-heads.

Anyway, thanks for doing my work for me, Chelsea. I just wish you'd change the name of your show before people start thinking your name is Chelsea Lately rather than Chelsea Handler.

Oh, well, it's 5:05 a.m., and I really need to get some sleep before I start getting goofy.

Or is it too late?

Thanks for your time.


5 comments:

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Ya gotta have the little salt and pepper thingies when you get the Big Breakfast at McDonald's.

Scrambled eggs? Without salt and pepper? It's like the Bible without Matthew and Luke.

Or something.

David'Z RantZ said...

Like, maybe, an English muffin without peanut butter. But I digress.

So nice to see that somebody uses the salt & pepper packets. But this is America. You have that right. (As an aside, I should point out that even if McDonald's did give them away by the millions to those who'd never use them, I suppose they're too big to bankrupt at this point.)

Yes, this is America. You have the right to shred little paper packets to enhance your dining experience.

It's even okay with me if you eat those gross little orange candies they sell at Halloween, which are cleverly designed in the shape of an unshelled peanut.

"What a country!" (if I may quote from the little bearded Russian guy who was named after a bottle of vodka) Room for everyone.

cousin saul said...

Speaking of both McDonald's AND circus peanuts...

cousin saul said...

...have you ever thought about how weird it is that McDonald's McRib sandwich has processed "meat" to look as if it's still on the bone? Them's good eatin'!

Keair Snyder said...

I also love Chelsea, I have a huge pet peeve with people who say "Valentimes" Day (and most of the kids I grew up with did just that because they were south end dirty butts that knew no better...now they all have children who say it the same way...it is a horrible thing to pass on to another generation...hahahaha), and I have also never understood the obsession with the little salt and pepper packets. Perhaps it is because I do not use either. However, your whole peanut butter on an English Muffin thing...that's just strange. The only thing I want on an English Muffin is egg, cheese, and that damned McDonald's ham that neither looks nor tastes like ham at all. :)

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