This blog is officially "retired," but my other blog,
"The Lair of the Silver Fox," is still open for business!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

"Five Days, Five Days"


Five Days, Five Days

(One day, two days, three, four, five)
A-that's how long that she's been gone
And that's a long time
Five days, five days
Since you walked out the door
Won't you please come home
I couldn't stand five more
Well the first day after she left me
I laughed and told my friends
That she'll be back before
The sun is settin' low again
Five days, five days
Since you walked out the door
Won't you please come home
I couldn't stand five more
Well, the second day after she left me
I started to have my doubts
I wondered if she was comin' back
Or really had checked out
Five days, five days
Since you walked out the door
Won't you please come home
I couldn't stand five more
(One, two, three, four, five days more)
Well, the third day after she left me
I started to watch the door
Before the day was over
I began to walk the floor
Five days, five days
Since you walked out the door
Won't you please come home
I couldn't stand five more
Well the fourth day after she left me
I really began to sweat
She should have been back days ago
But she ain't got back yet
Five days, five days
Since you walked out the door
Won't you please come home
I couldn't stand five more
(One, two, three, four, five days more)

(by Gene Vincent ~~ written by Rhodes/Willey/Franks, © Screen Gems/EMI Music, Inc.)


Change every "she" to a "he," and that's about it...

Thanks for your ti-- Wait a second...

UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!

At approximately 6:30 p.m. on the very day of this post, I was leaving my apartment to go to a play rehearsal and locking my back door. Suddenly I heard a series of plaintive cries, kitty language for "Don't close that door, there's food in that house!" and bounding across the parking lot and onto my back porch came Orson, looking like Calista Flockhart on a bad hair day. I don't think he ate in the five days he was gone. Serves him right, the single-minded little fuzz-ball. I poured the remainder of a can of Friskies -- about seven or so ounces -- into his dish, along with a huge amount of dried food next to it, and left.

When I returned, it was about 10 p.m. I'd bought a rotisserie cooked chicken and some previously-fried pollack. The canned food was gone, and so was about half of the dried food. Orson had also rummaged through the trash and stripped the remaining meat off of Monday's Kentucky Fried Chicken bones. He ate a few bites of fish, and about one-third of the chicken. He still looks anorexic. At least he doesn't seem to have gotten his little kitty ass kicked, this time. But tomorrow he gets a bath.

Right now, he's laying belly-up on the corner of my bed, which is almost touching my computer desk's chair. He's purring loudly, and it must be true that animals mostly respond to a human's tone of voice, because he's purring contentedly in response to such terms of endearment as "you little idiot," "you furry little f**k-head," and "ass-face."

Now...

Thanks for your time.

59 comments:

I Ain't No Oprah said...

So now you're straight?

neal-hater said...

Why couldn't it have been nifty-neal that left?!

David'Z RantZ said...

IANO: No, no, no... It's a male cat, not a female cat, and... Never mind.

David'Z RantZ said...

Oooooh, I see Neal-hater's IP address! Naughty, naughty, Neal-hater!

Sparkle Plenty said...

DAVID'Z! Sweetheart! This is terrible!!! Have you put any posters up around where you live? Have you left sirloin on the porch? Orson is adorable. I'm so sorry he is still missing. I was going to write something funny here (well, attempt to do so anyway) about unfortunate names of cats I've seen on missing cat posters, but it seemed inappropriate. So: Extremely good vibes are still flowing your way.

David'Z RantZ said...

UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!

At approximately 6:30 p.m. on the very day of this post, I was leaving my apartment to go to a play rehearsal and locking my back door. Suddenly I heard a series of plaintive cries, kitty language for "Don't close that door, there's food in that house!" and bounding across the parking lot and onto my back porch came Orson, looking like Calista Flockhart on a bad hair day. I don't think he ate in the five days he was gone. Serves him right, the single-minded little fuzz-ball. I poured the remainder of a can of Friskies -- about seven or so ounces -- into his dish, along with a huge amount of dried food next to it, and left.

When I returned, it was about 10 p.m. I'd bought a rotisserie cooked chicken and some previously-fried pollack. The canned food was gone, and so was about half of the dried food. Orson had also rummaged through the trash and stripped the remaining meat off of Monday's Kentucky Fried Chicken bones. He ate a few bites of fish, and about one-third of the chicken. He still looks anorexic. At least he doesn't seem to have gotten his little kitty ass kicked, this time. But tomorrow he gets a bath.

Right now, he's laying belly-up on the corner of my bed, which is almost touching my computer desk's chair. He's purring loudly, and it must be true that animals mostly respond to a human's tone of voice, because he's purring contentedly in response to such terms of endearments as "you little idiot," "you furry little f**k-head," and "ass-face."

David'Z RantZ said...

Sparkle:

In the last twenty minutes, Orson's gotten off the bed three times to check if anything better than the tiny bit of remaining chicken has magically appeared in his dish. But he keeps coming back to lay down near me.

I would have put posters up before the weekend, but wouldn't have had much faith in them. The whole "answers to the name of... " bit doesn't work with cats, because unless you have food, they don't give a damn for humans. (Cats invented "the finger," by the way.) I wouldn't leave steak on my porch; too many other greedy animals around here. But thanks for your advice, your plethora of Extremely Good Vibes, and...

"Sweetheart?"

Sparkle Plenty said...

AUGH. I'm retarded. First, the template deleting. Now, the comment deleting. This comment was edited for your protection TWICE(and it wasn't really your protection it was because I made two egregious typos that I could not let slip). And the comment isn't even that profound. SHEESH. I shall leave it nonetheless and flee! Until, of course, I come back, delete it, and decide to rewrite it again:

That's GREAT that he's back, David'z! Pardon the "sweetheart." It popped out of my crusty and curmudgeonly facade...

So, now that Orson is safe and sound (little pissant), here's the cat name thing. Whenever I go to visit my friend, who lives in a rural area, the trees and telephone poles are plastered with tragic Kitty Wanted posters. I have seen the following names on these posters: "Frito Gone," "Help Bring Pizza Home," and "Clamcake Missing." It is as if the owners have taped "Eat me" signs on their pets' sleek pelts--and trust me, the coyotes and fisher cats and whatnot in the area do NOT need suggestions of that nature.

So: Orson always felt safe to me because he is NOT named for a popular snack and/or treat. GOOD work naming Orson, David's, GOOD WORK.

(Boy, wasn't THAT worth it? Feh. Flees.)

Sparkle Plenty said...

And, here's the 'z that I left out of your name.

GEEZ.

bacon ace said...

Glad to see he's back. He look exactly like my old cat Moe.

The retarded immigrant* fuck who doesn't speak english that lives upstairs** decided to do some gardening yesterday. He left the back porch door open as well as the internal cellar door, and the external cellar door. So when I saw this I immediately ran around the house looking for my cat. Of course she had gotten out through the cellar and I went outside to find her hoping that she hadn't got into a fight or hit by a car or something. Thankfully the shaking treats bag lured her back and I wa able to pick her up and carry her in.
He did however manage to get out a "sorry" when he realized what I was saying to him earlier after I shut the door on him from seeing me take her back in.
So today I'm using an online translator from english to greek to paste a sign on ever door.

*So I can't tell him to keep the door closed

**He's visiting his son who lives upstairs. He doesn't actually live there.

cousin saul said...

David,
Wow...the power of blogging! Orson only returned after you wrote your blog about him. Cosmic-blogging-power!

Joe Doherty said...

Congratulations on Orson coming home. Makes you want to hug and strangle him at the same time. Did Mork call Orson?

David'Z RantZ said...

(Orson, look! Everybody's talking about you! See? I have pictures on you online, and everything!

No, not those kinds of pictures, you sick-minded little beast! Although I probably would have some like that if I'd been able to follow you around for the last five days...

Anyway, look, look! Here's you sitting in the sink, and here's...

COME BACK HERE!!! GET AWAY FROM MY BREAKFAST!!!

Ass.)

David'Z RantZ said...

Sparkle: Blogger has this weird thing where the blog administrator can take a deleted comment and delete it even more. (I don't get it either.) So I "permanently" deleted the stuff you'd already deleted so it's not even showing as being deleted. (Folks, ya hadda be there!) Now your comment about deleting stuff should really confuse the crap out of everyone. You're welcome.

I was confused when you wrote "I have seen the following names on these posters: 'Frito Gone,' 'Help Bring Pizza Home,' and 'Clamcake Missing.'" Why? because I thought the actual, full names (and not just the messages on the posters) were "Frito Gone," "Help Bring Pizza Home," and "Clamcake Missing." Can you imagine that? "Clamcake Misssiiinng, Clamcake Miiiiississssinnnnnggg, time to come ho-ommme!"

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea, taking two tranquilizers before going to bed last night...

And don't worry about the " 'Z" because it seems to confuse a lot of people. I don't care what they call me around here. David, David's, David'z, David'Z, David'Z RantZ.... Here's the breakdown. (Warning: If you don't give a crap about grammar, punctuation, etc., skip to the next paragraph, 'cause here I go again... !) My name is David. I rant. My rants, therefore, would be entitled "David's Rants" except for the affectation of my using a "z" for every z-sounding "s," which would make it "David'z Rantz." See, the apostrophe is only after "David" and not after "Rant," because the " 's" (changed to " 'z") denotes possession. The "s" (changed to a "z") after "Rant" is merely making "Rant" plural, so there's no apostrophe. Plus, there's my additional affectation of writing every "z" in upper case, and thus: "David'Z RantZ." Now. Do I expect everyone around here to follow these rules? No. Do I expect anybody to even care? No. Do I expect blind obedience because I'm on the Planning Board of Project Gilligan (a/k/a "The Deciders")? No... but maybe I would if you others weren't on it as well. Sucks to be me. (So far, Project Gilligan is underground only, but I may be publicizing it "up top" in the near future.)

Finally, Sparkle, to quote you: "(Boy, wasn't THAT worth it? Feh. Flees.)"

Oh, crap, speaking of "flees": ORSON! You'd better not have brought home any unwanted visitors!!!

David'Z RantZ said...

Bacon Ace: I can only imagine what your new signs actually said. I assume at least a PG-13 rating?

Glad your cat escaped only briefly.

David'Z RantZ said...

Cousin Saul: Hey, I told you all I had The Power! (I'm still trying to win the lottery for Jayne and myself. Tricky thing, numbers.)

Anyway, I had to bring him home. Otherwise, if he'd been found dead on the side of the road (like the Easter Bunny in my March 19th post) I would have had to write a long-ass tribute column about him, which would have given IANO eyestrain. Plus, that Nifty-Neal-Hater guy would've said "Why couldn't it have been Nifty Neal who was found on the side of the road?" You know how it goes.

David'Z RantZ said...

Joe D.: Sit down, Joe, we need to talk.

FYI, there's nothing Orkian (Orkan? Orkish?) about my Orson. His namesake was Orson Welles, who was a god. Small "g" god, true. but a god nonetheless.

And what's this about not watching St. Elsewhere, Denzel Washington notwithstanding? Don't make me come out there. I'm too old and out-of-shape to threaten you physically, of course, but I can key your car with the best of 'em! And then again, by the time that li'l ol' procrastinating me actually showed up at your doorstep, your boyz would probably be old enough to kick, jump, and otherwise put some serious hurt on my ancient & pasty white Irish butt. Anyway, you wouldn't want to jeopardize your place on the Project Gilligan Planning Board (a/k/a "The Deciders"), would you? Thought not.

On a lighter note, you're right. Orson's return fell into the old "Thank God he's alive, 'cause I'm gonna kill him!" category (line stolen from M*A*S*H).

subtorp585 said...

Must be a really small rodent population on your side of town, David. That, or my former neighbour's four cats 'ave been eating 'em all up. May the evading squirrels make a banquet of your landlord's garden!

David'Z RantZ said...

SubTorp: I think it was less a matter of insufficient food supply than it was that Orson was sowing his wild oats. Also, when you write that your "former neighbour's four cats 'ave been eating 'em all up," does that mean that he or she was one of those idiots who moved away and abandoned all pets? And what's with the "U" in "neighbour" and the dropped "H" in "have?" Have you been reading British mysteries again, or watching old black-and-white British movies?

French equivalent-guy said...

Un jour je ne serai pas trop triste pour entendre que c'était le temps pour habile-neal.

Judy's daughter said...

That's Liza with a Z, not Liza with an S, cuz Lisa with an S says ....oh forget it.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

So To Sum Up:

Davis is back to being a gay bachelor living with his cat.

Guys that live alone with cats are gay, correct?

I HATE NEAL said...

When Neal dies I hope he never comes back.

Jayne said...

Oh phew, you found your kitty !! Great news.

I was about to make a lewid joke, but I won't.

Jayne said...

P.S Love the cat pics.

nifty-neal-hater said...

Hey! Hey! Hey! Who is this new "I Hate Neal" person?!

David'Z RantZ said...

French Equivalent Guy: Neal malheureux. Est-ce que personne ne l'aime?

Judy's Daughter: "Judy's Daughter?" Lorna, is that you?

IANO: Being a bachelor and owning a cat only means you're gay if 1. the cat is male, and 2. you f**k him. So, it's "yes" to #1, but emphatically "no" to #2. Sorry to disappoint you.

Well, you asked.

Jayne. After what I just wrote, I think you should realize that it's safe to post lewd comments. Besides, I have kind of a carte blanche attitude toward you anyway, you giggling thing, you!

Nifty-Neal-Hater: Maybe you guys should start a club.

Neal Hater Club said...

Already have.

Joe Doherty said...

Little known fact: Mork was actually calling Orson Wells. And am I to understand that you enjoyed watching St. Elsewhere?! Maybe IANO is right...!

i hate neal said...

Hey Neal Hater Club-- when's the next meeting?

David'Z RantZ said...

Joe B.: Mork was speaking to Orson Welles, huh? Tell that to Ralph James. ;-)

And what the hell does St. Elsewhere have to do with being gay? Is it the whole nighttime soap opera atmosphere? I guess only women and gay men watch Lost and The Sopranos eh?

Lois Lane said...

I think IANO has gay cat envy. Whatever that means. I'm not sure.

Glad you're cat came back. Thankfully, our two never try to venture out anymore.

I remember years ago when one of the girls wandered out an open door (left open by an idiot housemate, grumble, grumble), I made everyone in the house we were renting go out in the rain and search until she was found, thankfully only about an hour later.

David'Z RantZ said...

Hi, Lois! I might just show up at IANO's store on the next new comic day, armed with my HDR (Heterosexual Dating Resumé). It'd serve him right if I did. Besides, I've known the guy for over twenty years and I've never been to his store. Maybe I'm due?

Sparkle Plenty said...

Bad news: Old school Heterosexual Dating Resumés don't work anymore--(em-dash) even when you have the goal statement and past experience section perfectly honed.

No, David'z, in this day and age, you must have a tightly-edited montage of video clips set to poignant and/or rousing music that you can post on youtube and present to prospective dates (and/or IANO) on your Web-enabled cell phone--or via your Dick Tracy wristwatch, as you eschew cell phones. A tastefully-designed PowerPoint presentation can do in a pinch.

Or, you can always display your butt like a monkey. Wait. I think that's females. Okay. You sniff dates' armpits and genitals and strut around beating your chest. Probably after dinner is over is best, and I'd go with the PowerPoint presentation with IANO.

(Hearkening back to one of your earlier posts, did you know that silver-backed gorillas have permanent harems? Is the idea of a harem better than a passel of wives? Or is it the same thing except that I'm suddenly picturing Lou Costello dressed up in a gauzy outfit trying to fool a sheik?)

cake said...

"Besides, I've known the guy for over twenty years and I've never been to his store. Maybe I'm due?"

Dear gawd, for shame not-gay-David'z! Even I've been there and I live 400 miles away!

boy do i hate neal said...

can i join the club?

David'Z RantZ said...

Sparkle:

Damn this modern age and its new-fangled notions!

Believe me, you do not want to see any video "proof" of my heterosexuality on the internet. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

And who told you that my "past experience" was comprised of... Oh! Wait! You said honed. I thought... well, never mind what I thought. Read that incorrectly for a second. Oops.

Maybe I should just find some hooker on Craigslist, bring her into IANO's store, and... well... you know.

Cake: Okay, okay, how about you meet me at IANO's store this coming Wednesday?

Sparkle and Cake: Sorry I didn't reply to your comments sooner, but I was out f... **ahem!* I mean, I was out dating. Women, that is. Of course. Lots of women. Dozens.

cake said...

Sure, I'll be there. Don't worry if I'm a little late, I'll be there eventually...yup, I wouldn't lie.

Cake ::humming, "Cuz I would walk 400 miles and I would walk 400 more..."::

(Yeah, well, it's close enough, so sue me.)

David'Z RantZ said...

Okay, Cake, it's a date. Well... not a date, exactly... I mean, there is Mr. Cake and all, but... I'll be there. And of course, I trust that you'll be there, too.

I guess I was just thinking -- in a very un-gay way -- of any meeting with a woman as a "date." Force of habit for heterosexual males who, when they do date, date femininely female women.

(Wow, been a while since I was at any comic shop for new comic day. Can't wait!)

David'Z RantZ said...

To Neal-Hater, French Equivalent Guy, I Hate Neal, Nifty-Neal-Hater, Neal Hater Club, and Boy Do I Hate Neal: Ummm... Should I be a drafting another long-ass tribute column, this time for Neal?

subtorp585 said...

'Owed you bloomin' guess I'm readin' these bloody novels, wot? As for me neighboUrs( I've always spelled it that way ) felines, they're more the outdoorsey type cats( meaning they get left outside when all are at work )I know you can imagine what four bored cats could do to the insides of a house( or is that 'ouse? ).

cake said...

::books imaginary ticket to Boston, packs imaginary bags...::

See ya there!

::snickers::

Redbeard76 said...

42 comments for a lost cat that was found?

Sheesh. Some people have no lives. While cats have 9. Almost doesn't seem fair, eh?

Sparkle Plenty said...

New Rant! New Rant! New Rant! New Rant! Time Has Come Today!

Sparkle Plenty said...

Meet the New Rant, Same As The Old Rant...

David'Z RantZ said...

Cake: Glad you're packed. See you there.

Redbeard: Seriously, there are a lot of people out there who feel that their pets are part of their family. And while I certainly wasn't crying myself to sleep every night, wailing "I want my kitty!" like a four-year-old, I did miss the little fur-ball and worry about what had befallen him. Some people react like they've lost a child when a pet dies. Even if you don't agree with that sentiment, would you really tell them to "get a life?" But anyway, only about half of these comments were actually about my cat.

David'Z RantZ said...

Sparkle: Why are you and Cake always lighting a fire under my butt for new posts?

cake said...

Yeah, you tell 'em, Sparkle!

::lights fire under David'z butt...runs away::

David'Z RantZ said...

OUCH!!!

Sparkle Plenty said...

Thanks for spillanin' the Neal thing. Ain't it just Saul or IANO or somethin'? Or the oft-mischievous Cakie?

I fear that Redbeard is in a bad mood because I had an Oasis video on my Web site yesterday. And who can blame him? I believe I put everyone in a bad mood with my Oasis video yesterday. Boy scouts were cuffing little old ladies rather than helping them across the street, sweet little sneaker-wearing nuns were burning the pope in effigy, the whole nine yards.

Anyhoo: I betcha Cakie and I are always lighting a fire under your butt for a new post because...WE LIKE YOUR POSTS. Either that, or we just like lighting fires under your butt, and...GEEZ! HEADS DOWN! EXPLOSION!

Cakie! What have I told you about lighting fires in that region?!

Redbeard76 said...

Five Days till David'z Rantz new post. He's aiming for 100 comments. Now you're halfway there.

Redbeard76 said...

Actually, i can't see the oasis video at work since IT shut down youtube. and facebook. and flickr.

But that's not what's bothering me, it's that when i came back into work this morning, i found out that the office will not be moving closer to my home this year, it's been put on hold until next year, and my supervisor is a bitch and acted all inappropriate when the announcement was made. So now I'm actively job searching at my job. What are they going to do, fire me? That's what I want.

So there's my rant on a rantz blog. No felines were harmed in this rant.

David'Z RantZ said...

Oh. My. God.

DISCLAIMER, before anybody else reads anything into this:

During an earlier comment, addressed to Sparkle, I wrote: "Maybe I should just find some hooker on Craigslist, bring her into IANO's store, and... well... you know."

Immediately after that, I wrote another comment, addressed to Cake: "Okay, okay, how about you meet me at IANO's store this coming Wednesday?"

I sincerely apologize to one and all if anyone read anything into the placement of those two sentences.

cake said...

Good cover...I wouldn't want anyone else to figure out that when I say "editor" I really mean "hooker." ::winks::

~Cake (Visa, Mastercard, or American Express)

p.s.
That cracked me up! I never even put the two sentences together!

Sparkle Plenty said...

Strangely, earlier today I almost wrote: "You don't need a hooker when you have Cake!" And then hastily deleted, deleted, deleted.

neal adams said...

All these comments have really hurt my feelings. Jerks!

David'Z RantZ said...

SPARKLE:

"Thanks for spillanin' the Neal thing. Ain't it just Saul or IANO or somethin'? Or the oft-mischievous Cakie?"

It is one of the above, at least. Maybe more. And by "spillanin'" do you mean as in "Mickey Spillanin'"?

"Strangely, earlier today I almost wrote: 'You don't need a hooker when you have Cake!' "

Well, I don't "have" Cake, of course... There is the whole Mr. Cake thing, y'know, and my motto is to never make the first pass at a married woman...

This whole subject does make me think of an old cliche, which, in this context, becomes strangely obscene. (You all know the one.)

REDBEARD:

"Five Days till David'z Rantz new post. He's aiming for 100 comments."

Nawww, I wouldn't do that to y'all. However, this post has gotten more comments than any previous post, even if you subtract all of my own comments on this topic.

And as far as ranting on someone else's RantZ territory, you are more than welcome to do so! I wish for your sake that you could just quit your crummy job, as I did mine a few months ago.

I have no mortgage, no car payment, and no wife, kids, nor ex-wives to support. So I had more freedom than most to quit.

Among the paperwork that they handed me when I gave my two-week notice was a "separation form" asking the reason(s) why I'd quit. That section had a notation that I could use a separate sheet (or sheets) of paper if necessary.

Folks, you've read my blogs. You know what's coming.

NEVER give a writer -- especially me -- the opportunity to write additional comments on a separate piece of paper!

After promising to list only the major issues, I handed in two pages of unofficial RantZ! During my two remaining weeks, I was told that my separation form was making the rounds of all sorts of management types.

Serves 'em right.

But I digress.

Anyway, Redbeard, I don't think anyone around here was thinking you were anti-cat or anti-pet. I certainly wasn't.

CAKE (You little fire-starter, you!):

"I never even put the two sentences together!"

Yeah, well, neither did I, until later. Which, with my perverted mind, is a curious fact indeed.

And finally, to NEAL ADAMS (and I'll bet that was the real one, too, ya think?):

Sorry these guys have upset you. But why didn't you mention this much sooner? It seems like a rather late date to respond to... Oh. Wait. Neal Adams. Never mind.

David'Z RantZ said...

Sparkle & Cake: I have posted a new entry. A hitherto-untold story from the heterosexual life of yours truly. Now please put those matches away.

Keair Snyder said...

"He's purring loudly, and it must be true that animals mostly respond to a human's tone of voice, because he's purring contentedly in response to such terms of endearment as "you little idiot," "you furry little f**k-head," and "ass-face."" My cat doesn't even listen to me anymore when I call her by her name but the minute I say, "Come here, bitch!" here she comes. Isn't it nice the way we bond with our kids in fur coats? hahahaha

Related Posts with Thumbnails