This blog is officially "retired," but my other blog,
"The Lair of the Silver Fox," is still open for business!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Take My Wife... and My Wife... and My Wife...

(Hey, I've had a busy weekend, blog-wise. Hope you haven't missed any entries, folks!)

Over the past few months, I've seen a lot of articles about fundamentalist Mormons, the ones who practice plural marriage. Personally, I think the Powers That Be were pretty much content to ignore the whole issue in hopes that it would eventually go away -- fat chance -- but with the 2006 debut of HBO's "Big Love," people suddenly realized that stuff like this was still going on.

I'm not going to discuss my views on the morality (or immorality) of polygamy. I've got enough problems of my own. Nope, this time I just want to respond to a few people... Okay, a few guys... that I've talked to about the subject. They all seem to think it'd be great having more than one wife, so you could basically sleep with more than one woman and yet, not be cheating on any of them.

Okay, reality check here, gents: These aren't just multiple sex partners. They're multiple wives. There's a difference.

Old joke: "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing."

You think you'll be getting more in the way of sexual variety, and plenty of it? Dudes, what you'll be getting is married-people sex. Way different. Like, "What's the definition of foreplay once you're married?" "One hour of begging." That kinda different. Between kids and day-to-day stress and the idea of "doing it" with the same person in (generally) the same position, day after day after day... Variety? No. Taking a bad situation and multiplying it times... whatever amount? Yeah, probably.

Okay, some of you are saying, "My marriage is different. My partner and I still have a healthy sex life." Really. Congratulations. You six people can stop reading now. Everybody else? You're stuck with me until the end of the page.

"Marriage is an institution. I'm not ready for an institution." -- Mae West.

Think about it. By that token, having three wives is like serving three concurrent jail terms. In fact, since Mormons frown on divorce, it'd be more like three concurrent life sentences.

Ohhh, yeah. Sign me up.

You guys are picturing orgies. Uh-uh. Try picturing -- for just one quick example -- three times the nagging. "Aarrgh! I just got this one to shut up, and now the other one starts!"

But please don't misunderstand me. I'm not putting down women, here. No, really. Marriage... well... maybe. But women? No.

I actually have a great deal of respect for women, if for no other reason than this:
They're much too smart to want multiple husbands.

Thanks for your time.

17 comments:

subtorp585 said...

Hey David. I'll keep this short and simple: I agree with Mae West.

David'Z RantZ said...

Yup, I'm sorta cynical on the subject of marriage, but I love women. (That's why my South Park-ish profile icon is holding that bouquet of flowers in his/my right hand. Just in case.) So I'm dreading any and all comments from those who read this post and think I'm some sort of misogynist. Most of my friends are women. A fact that seems lost on a lot of men is that women aren't a separate species, they're actually people. Wow, who'da thunk it? A few years back, I even tried to start a movement with some like-minded males, called "Women Are Real People, Too." Unfortunately, the acronym for our proposed organization -- W.A.R.P.T. -- kinda sunk us at the outset. Oh, well...

cake said...

1) I haven't been keeping up with blogs this weekend...expect to see a few comments from me in quick succession. I'll keep the stomping to a minimum.

2) I actually have no issues with polygamy, assuming everyone is on the same page...young girls being indoctrinated and married off is a whole other despicable thing.

3) I wouldn't mind several husbands...but that's probably because I generally like men better than women. Most of MY friends are men.

4) Further to #3, I wouldn't be interested in being one of several wives because the idea of living in the same house as a bunch of other women...brr.

5) Oh, wait a sec, I was supposed to stop reading this blog about halfway through. Never mind.

::wanders back to the baseball game::

cake said...

Ah hah, no, I did see your other posts. I'm up to date!

::looks around for bagels, sees none, sighs::

(I'm good at beating jokes to death...I'll stop now.)

David'Z RantZ said...

Cake:

2. Serious response: Agreed.

3/4. Funny, I could say the same thing(s) if you changed one gender to the other in each case.

5. Oh, one of the six, are you?

(No number). I think everybody here has a good handle on how long to let a running private joke go before "retiring" it. Some have a longer shelf life than others.

Additionally, my own modus operandi is to save the private jokes for the comments sections of my blog and other Bloggers' blogs. (For instance, you know I would've made a reference to IANO on my Hitler page if I didn't have that "policy.") My actual posts are "first-timer friendly" and can be read by anybody, anywhere, without confusion (not counting the confusion I myself may cause by occasionally sloppy writing). No one's obligated to read the comments left for each topic.

Sorry, nothing funny or entertaining is forthcoming right now. Feeling kinda drained -- although I foresee a late night -- and somewhat down, due to a handful of variables including a so-called "indoor cat" who managed to get outdoors and has been MIA since Friday morning.

F**k, don't y'all hate it when I drop character?

bacon ace said...

D'z R,
I hope your cat's OK. In my travels I've found that a cat is much better company than a wife. Sad but true.

Joe Doherty said...

I have two indoor cats. If they ever got outside, I'd be beside myself. I hope the kitty's ok.

Dude, you are totally allowed to be cynical on the subject of marriage. I guess you're not allowed to be cynical about women drivers, though. I got my ass handed to me the other day when I may or may not have made a comment about this driver, who happened to be female who wasn't looking where she was going, nearly clipped my car and cut me off going to Shopper's World. All while talking on the phone.

You see, bad drivers are people from any gender. That's my statement and I'm sticking to it.

Sigh.

David'Z RantZ said...

Re: Orson (the cat)...

Three days and counting that the little furry f**ker's been gone. Usually, when he gets out he either lets me catch him right off, or he plays the "I'm fast enough to stay ten feet ahead of you" game for a few minutes until he finally bolts. He returns a few hours or a full day later, generally, expecting me to feed rather than scold him. He eats whenever he can, and obviously doesn't fend for himself very well in "the wild." Candy-ass.

Then there was the weird time that he turned into Instant Feral Cat. I caught him immediately after he got out, and tried to hold him, but it was like he was a wild animal, for real. He screamed and hissed and tried to do me serious damage.

This is a cat who ordinarily likes to "play rough" but only scratches me by accident. People hearing him when I'm messing with him think he's ready to kill me because they're going by the sounds he makes. Then I let him go, and he walks -- walks -- about two or three feet away, and lays down contentedly.

He thinks he's a bad-ass. But he's a wimp. Which is why I worry when he gets out. One time he came home looking like he'd been sitting on Dorothy Gale's front porch when her house made its trip to Oz.

Thanks for your good wishes, guys.

Additionally:

Bacon Ace: I generally prefer animals to people in... umm... general. (Not too redundant.) As I said in my previous post, "You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby, Part Two" -- and I sure hope everybody, especially IANO, caught Parts One and Two -- "Looking at humankind in general... We suck." ("General." Damn! There's that word again! Where the hell did I leave my Thesaurus?)

Joe D.: Yup. I agree. It's not just women drivers -- like, say, Amelia Earhart, there's a good example -- but drivers in *ahem* general. (Sorry. I had to.) By the way, I love that non-committal "I may or may not have made a comment about this driver, who happened to be female" line. Perhaps the person who handed you your ass -- a lovely visual, by the way -- might read your comments here?

Anyway, at my old blog URL, I referred to cell phone use while driving as "My Own Personal Hang-Up." People who habitually use cell phones while they drive are ALL being relocated to the future site of Project Gilligan. (If the "Project Gilligan" reference is unclear, check out my last post's comments section. Sorry, folks.) That is rule #1. No exceptions, even for those of us on the Planning Committee (a/k/a/ "The Deciders"). So if you wanna avoid deportation, you'd better stop.

Now.

(Geez, my comments are turning out longer than my freakin' blogs lately!)

Joe Doherty said...

You got it! I'm covering my "just-handed-back-to-me" ass.

Sparkle Plenty said...

1) OH, NO! Am sending extremely good vibes for Orson's swift and safe return.
2) I feel that your "Take My Wife...and My Wife...and My Wife" point is well summed up by the final fate of the hapless Harry Mudd being pursued by multiple irate wife units: "HARCOURT FENTON!!!!"

David'Z RantZ said...

Joe D.: Now, just imagine if you had multiple wives doing all that ass-handing... [shudders]

Sparkle: Thanks for the vibes.

Sparkle Plenty said...

What's wrong with ass-handling? I mean, if it's consensual between two donkeys and whatnot.

(David'z: Not JUST vibes...EXTREMELY GOOD VIBES.)

David'Z RantZ said...

[blushing] Sparkle! You bad girl!It's ass-handing, not ass-handling! Good Lord, woman, what are you thinking?!?!

Hope you caught all my posts from the past weekend, by the way.

And I correct myself: Many thanks for your extremely good vibes! Seriously.

(Cutie-pie.)

cake said...

Aww geez...I hope Orson makes it home. That's rotten.

I had a smart remark all ready but it doesn't seem right now.

cake said...

p.s.

Project Gilligan is a go. I'm just trying to see if I can get some government funding...given how stupid my government is, I'm thinking they just might go for it. Then we'll add them to the list and ta-da! Bob's your uncle!

David'Z RantZ said...

Smart remark? S'okay, fire away.

And I hope you can secure the backing of the Canadian government. We might need 'em! http://geography.about.com/b/2006/04/04/largest-uninhabited-island-in-the-world.htm

Keair Snyder said...

Hahaha I loved this one! I remember talking about the Muslim religion in 7th grade and my social studies teacher (who was notorious for sleeping with everyone BUT his wife) says, in the middle of talking about polygamy, "What man in his right mind would want more than one wife? I can't stand the one I have!" hahaha On a serious note, I could not imagine the work and the stress that would come with trying to keep multiple marriages running at one time. I mean, one relationship takes a hell of a lot of work to keep it healthy. Imagine 2..or 3...or 4? Then again, if you don't believe in divorce, I guess making everyone happy might not be such a big priority which then takes the situation from difficult to selfish. Either way, not my idea of a good time.

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