This blog is officially "retired," but my other blog,
"The Lair of the Silver Fox," is still open for business!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Two Things You Need to Know About Massachusetts

(And no, this has nothing to do with the Boston Red Sox, the Boston Celtics, the Boston Bruins, or the New England Patriots!)

I was born, raised, and live in Massachusetts. This rant is aimed at those who don't live there, and never did. It may also be appreciated by those who do or did.

1) Admittedly, Massachusetts is a relatively small state (in terms of acreage, not population), when compared to Texas, California, etc. However, the state is not so damned small that everyone in it lives in, or near, Boston! So if you ever meet someone from Massachusetts, save your insipid "Beantown" references for those who actually live there, and not for those who live an hour or more away!

2) People from Massachusetts do not talk like the Kennedys. Hell, people who live next door to the Kennedys don't talk like the Kennedys. Only the Kennedys talk like the Kennedys!

And if you, in your "I'm not from Massachusetts" ignorance, decide to say something to the effect of, "You guys all say, 'paaaaahk the caaaaaah' instead of 'parrrk the carrr,' right?" your breath. We've heard it before. It's not funny.

And you're not one of us.

When Rob Morrow played Richard Goodwin in the film Quiz Show, he used a pseudo-Kennedy accent to play the Brookline attorney. (When he remembered to speak with an accent, that is.) Whenever an actor or actress in a major motion picture tries to sound like he or she is from Massachusetts, he/she usually sounds like -- you guessed it -- a Kennedy. Or like someone from Maine. Maybe someday one of them will get the Massachusetts accent right.

But I'm not holding my breath.

Thanks for your time.

P.S. -- The preceding blog originally appeared at my old blog URL, on November 2, 2003 -- Gotcha! -- but I haven't posted anything in three days, and I figured my regular readers were sick of seeing Charlton Heston's name at the top of the page. And by the way, all but like, six people on the internet -- myself included -- have made a reference to prying Heston's gun from his cold, dead hands, so we can all stop now. It's been done -- no pun intended -- to death.


  1. My questions:

    1. Do you talk like the Kennedys?

    2. Do you say 'paaaaahk the caaaaaah' instead of....

    Oh wait, never mind.

    If it helps, I pronounce all of my vowels flatly. So I don't say 'barth' for bath.. like posh folk do.. I say bath to rhyme with er.. ummm... bath.

    I'll get my coat right?

  2. Jayne, would you please pay attention? You could have composed your comment in half the time if you had.

    Don't make me come over there!


  3. So you come on over to my blog and moan at me for not posting enough when there is a whole new fresh post sitting there.

    I made sure I researched this one more thoroughly though.

  4. Dear David'z RantZ,

    1) I just saw "Catch Me If You Can" with Leonardo DiCaprio (I know, I'm slow). I spent the movie sputtering like an outboard motor, "Is Tom Hanks trying to do the accent? Is he trying to do the accent?" I think he was. And, you describe it perfectly. He added a lil' touch of something else...I don't know--the Gorton's Fisherman or somebody.
    2) I can tell you with certainty that dov'z do NOT cry EVER. They are remarkably stoic, tired of being called peaceful, and also very bent on revenge. If you cannot look through your windshield, look to the dove, David'z Rantz...Look To The Dove (but cover your eyes--their aim is true).

    Who knew molting could be so angsty?


  5. Robin Williams won an Oscar for his horrific friggin accent in "Good Will Hunting". Boston is like some mythical place that people from Hollywood read about (if they read, that is).

  6. Jayne:

    Personally, I think you must have posted your new entry while I was submitting my comment, but I can't prove anything. Damn.

    And I assume you've Googled Mr. Hart and found all sorts of cool stuff. I did, just for the hell of it.


    1) Didn't see the flick in question, but as always, I shall trust you.

    2. They don't cry at all, huh? Must be why none of us -- myself included -- heard anything in my comment.

    Oh, and... "Dov'Z?" "Dov'Z?" Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha... *cough, cough*... hahahahahahahahahaha...

  7. Funny how people are commenting on my recycled blogs, now that I don't warn them beforehand with that "From the Archives" tip-off. I love it when my theories end up as reality.

    By the way, Sparkle: You did it again, you crossover cutie-pie! The whole bit about crying doves (or dov'Z) will confuse most of the people reading here, as opposed to on your blog, where it started. Naughty, naughty, Sparkle!

  8. 1) Quit ranting at me! ::waves tiny fist::

    2) This is particularly funny because a family member of mine once met someone from the Boston area and later informed me,, "He sounds just like a Kennedy!" I'll straighten the problem out, promise.

    3) I don't have a stereotypical Canadian accent, either, eh? Though I do say 'eh,' eh. I think some folks are almost disappointed when I open my mouth and I sound like a normal human being and not a friend of Bob and Doug McKenzee.

    4) DAMN! You tricked me into commenting on a recycled blog! If you hadn't been so nice earlier today, I'd drink all your infrastructure, steal your bagels and then stomp petulantly.

    5) ::sneaks up, pencils a Hitler mustache on David'z, runs away::

  9. There's an extra comma in my previous comment.

    I blame IANO for that too.


    OH NO! Another blog crossover! ::giggles manically::

  10. Are you calling IANO a comma-nist? That's worse than my calling you a retard!

    Umm... I mean... if I had.

  11. Cake: You don't sound like Bob & Doug?! Damn. They're my idols.

  12. I have a former step-mother from Massachusetts and....uhhh...her accent drove me fucking nuts when I was a kid (more because I disliked her than because of the accent itself) but it certainly didn't sound like a Kennedy's. The Kennedy accent is just fucked up. I think old Joe Kennedy made it up so he could pretend to be distinguished. lol


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