This blog is officially "retired," but my other blog,
"The Lair of the Silver Fox," is still open for business!

Friday, April 11, 2008

"You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby" Part Two!

(Please read my previous post from today for Part One.)

*sigh* And here I was, just trying to be a smart-ass about one historical kid in particular...

At this writing (slightly before nine p.m.), I've received one comment so far on my earlier post, entitled "You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby," and it took me far enough afield of my originally-intended topic that I'm gonna milk it for a whole new RantZ entry!

Here's the comment as originally printed and credited to one "Kranky-McCrankenheimer" (which may be an alias. It's so hard to tell, sometimes, y'know?), a kindred spirit, I think:

1. "If you LOVE the children, you'd spend ten-times more money on their education!"
2. "They are our future!" (I don't think so...they're self-absorbed, lazy kids who's major accomplishment on an average day is "winning" at some video game.
3. It's mostly the fault of the parents who praise almost everything their spoiled kids do..."Oh look! 12 year-old Johnny walked all the way across the floor without falling down! You're SO special!" Nope, sorry...he's really not even "average"...
I say, "Off-'em" early before they grow up." Logan's Run had some good ideas...they just needed to start earlier.

Ah. [David does all-but-endless amount of time-wasting Ed Norton-inspired gestures as he "prepares" to write the rest of his blog]

Well, Krank -- may I call you Krank? -- here are my thoughts on your thoughts (And be sure to give my best to Mrs. Krank and any and all little McCrankenheimers out there.):

1. Right. I've got a better idea for those who suggest that. Let's spend ten times more of their money. Make it an opt-in program. Leave my damned taxes alone.

2. I hate to disagree with you, there, but children are our future. It's just that sometimes -- largely depending on the child at whom you're looking -- said future is a scary, dystopian one.

Collectively, each generation seems to be getting worse. And I'm not trying to absolve my own generation here by saying this is a recent trend. It's probably been going on for about two thousand years! You know, since the generation that thought crucifixions and pitting gladiators against lions and tigers and bears (oh, my!) were such neat ideas? Face it: Looking at humankind in general... We suck.

3. That's being done under the guise of "equality." Saying that any child excels in any way, like scholastically, or in sports, is now being seen as bigoted, or elitist.

We're so quick to diagnose our kids with things like ADHD -- which is a real condition, but (I believe) not one that's anywhere near as prevalent as physicians and pharmaceutical companies would like you to believe -- when some of them would be better classified as what we called 'em in my day: BRATS. And the parents are too quick to accept these diagnoses because it's better than thinking we're failing by being too permissive. Society won't allow us to discipline our kids, because there are too many idiots out there who can't draw a line between discipline and abuse. So we err on the side of caution, because parents can't be trusted to make the right decisions.

There is a good argument for the whole "retroactive abortion" thing, some sort of ultra-judgmental "do-over" of sorts. Like, let's allow abortion up until the thirty-third trimester -- yeah, that's the ticket! -- or just revamp it so there's virtually no statute of limitations at all. The current administration would love having an excuse to institute yet another program to infringe on the rights of people in general. "Yeah, we examined this guy's life, and decided his mom can have him aborted now... at forty-seven... "

As I said above... We all suck. It's not just about the children. Maybe we should sterilize the next three generations -- I say three, because you just know that several would slip through the cracks if we assumed it'd work in one generation -- and leave this planet without any further dubious "improvements" from us. Nothing but happy raccoons, cockroaches, and old Styrofoam McDonald's containers.

Thanks for your time.

[David sits back, eagerly anticipating comments]


  1. I know some good kids with good parents and I know some bad kids with good parents AND I know some jerk kids with jerk parents...

    I developed a theory awhile back about sending all the stupid people to some remote island (too bad Australia is taken) but I don't have the finances or power to make it happen...which is too bad, because I think it would solve a lot of problems.

    Ah well.

    I don't have kids and I'm not likely to ever have at least I don't have to worry about my contribution to the world.

    ::furtively leaves some bagels and infrastructure out for David'z, goes back to watching old movies::

  2. Yup, a child turns out good or bad due to a million variables, only some of which involve their parents.

    Which reminds me of a joke by a comedian whose name I can't remember: " 'I'm a loser because my dad's an alcoholic.' 'No, your dad's an alcoholic because you're a loser.' "

    Your idea of segregating stupid people to a remote island (we could call it "Project Gilligan") is terrific, but only if I get to be one of the very few voters who decides who qualifies as stupid. And it is too bad Australia's taken, but isn't that the way Australia got settled in the first place?

    Thanks for the infrastructure. My date last night drank all of mine.

    Hey, by the way, I was a bit nervous when I saw I'd already received a comment on this one. I'm worried that too many people won't know for sure what opinions and solutions were serious, and which ones were jokes. (Even I wasn't sure in some places.) In case this gets nasty, would you and Mr. Cake let me sleep on your couch until the coast is clear? I can contribute a few packages of rice noodles.

  3. Okay, so when we're establishing the Gilligan Project, we'll keep the voters to a very select few. Me, you...who else gets in? Lois? Sparkle? I'm not sure about IANO...nice guy but awfully fixated on the weather and all.

    Yer welcome for the's going fast so you should be happy you got some. What kinda date drinks all the infrastructure? Unacceptable... maybe that should get added to the Stupid Island criteria.

    Unless it was a good date in which case never mind.

    Oh and thanks for the rice noodles but I read the ingredients and they're made entirely from peas. You can have 'em back.

    (Why did I say I was going back to watching movies when I actually left the computer logged in next to me? Internet's a sickness.)

  4. The two of us, definitely, plus anybody you and/or I are linked to, unless we decide to bump him or her for any damned reason we can make up. So, from my end, definitely Super-Cool-Plus cute-pie Sparkle Plenty, and Lois, and IANO (we need more cynical zealots, even if they are fixated on the weather), and Lamont, and Redbeard, and Cousin Saul, and Joe Doherty, and Jayne... Especially Jayne so this doesn't look like another imperialist American thing. And yes, I know you're Canadian, but technically, as far as I'm concerned, anybody living in North, Central, or South America should be considered an "American." Why should only the citizens of the USA call themselves Americans? Just because "United Statians" or something similar would sound so freakin' lame?

    Finally, it was a terrific date. I'll spare you the details except to say that it was worth the sacrifice of my infrastructure, and even some of my boneless buffalo wings.

  5. Seeing as how Australia started out as a penal colony for criminals and the like( far removed from Britian ), Cake's idea isn't so far afield. Alcatraz is available and you could prob'ly get a "pork" grant for a follow-up study or to move them( stupid people )there, in the first place.

    Of course, the other problem is in genetics. Just get rid of the "stupidity" genes and there you are. And you can prob'ly get some of Davidz tax money for that as well, for the research.

  6. No no no you're thinking about this all wrong. It's not at all as difficult as you're thinking to get these people where we (the smahties) need, and/or, want them. You see we just ned to tell them a new reality TV show will be filmed on the chosen island and that there's some huge cash prize. This would take care of 2 of my biggest pet peeves in one fell swoop; stupid people and cunts.

    "What kinda date drinks all the infrastructure? Unacceptable..."

    You have to look at this from every angle. What if he was trying to get her "infrastructured"?

    Oh and back on topic; have you seen the Japanese film Battle Royale? Please do if you haven't. In it Japan has found a cure for the social ill of rambunctious teenagers in a rather interesting way.

  7. SubTorp: Welcome back! It's always good to see a guy who responds to even the craziest blogs & comments with a straight face and a serious attitude. ;-)

    You correctly gleaned my meaning about the whole Australia thing. It was for criminals, while Project Gilligan would be for dummies and the otherwise clueless souls who make our lives miserable. I'm not talking about mentally-challenged, and the like. I mean those more properly qualified as jerks, ***holes, etc. because of their social skills, or lack of same.

    ...which, unfortunately, kills your Alcatraz suggestion. Face it, dude, the island's waaaaaaaayyy too small! Just exiling the goober-brains I encounter during the average month would put enough people on The Rock to sink it!

    Hm. As far as using my tax dollars for research to find the "stupidity gene?" Sign me up.

    Cake: Serves me right for buying the "rice noodles" in Canada. I'll bring some from the USA, where they try to be a tad more accurate about labeling things... although I still wonder what "cheese food" is, exactly, if it's not really cheese. And I'll bring bagels & infrastructure, too. And cat food. (Well, you didn't think I could leave Orson at home, did you?)

  8. Bacon Ace! I believe this is the first time you've commented on one of my posts, innit? Well, anybody fixated on the flesh of the pig in any form is welcome! (Which is not to say that those who can't or won't eat pork products -- Jews, Muslims, vegetarians, etc. -- aren't. It's just that I automatically have one thing in common with the pig-eaters.) Personally, although I like it all -- sausage, ham, pork chops, bacon, roast pork, etc. -- I'm addicted to very-well-done-bordering-on-burnt boneless spareribs from the one Chinese restaurant in town that's not afraid to prepare them to my liking.

    But I digress.

    Uhhh... Where the hell was I?

    Oh, yeah. I love your idea about how to lure the dummies to wherever Project Gilligan ends up being. So, let's list your qualifications:

    1. Great idea to fool stupid people into relocating to site of Project Gilligan, an idea which will save countless lives and prevent property damage.

    2. "baconygood" blog is linked to Cake's blog.

    3. Bacon Ace has linked to my blog, too, although he subtly retitled my blog "Ranty McRant" so I almost missed it 'cause I slept late and am only now getting my "morning" coffee. (Re: "McRant." How'd you know I was Irish, by the way? Extra points for that!) I dunno when you did that; I've read your blogs before, but never caught the linky thing.

    Well, I guess that settles it. I hereby declare you to be a member of the Project Gilligan Planning Committee in good standing (even when you're sitting, or in a prone position), or as I like to call us, "The Deciders." I'm sure Cake will agree! (If she doesn't, I'll hide her infrastructure.)

    I've put up a link to your blog, by the way. Only fair.

    Finally: Due to what I'll so politely refer to as "history," my date didn't need to be "infrastuctured." But maybe you and I shouldn't really discuss this in front of someone as impressionable as Cake, y'know?

  9. I think you love kids.

    No.. not in THAT way.

    I love kids but I couldn't eat a whole one.

  10. I do love kids, if they're prepared correctly. Medium-well to well-done, lots of ketchup.

    I sympathize with your problem; the leftovers don't stay good for very long, do they?

  11. Jayne: Umm... As an after-thought, here, do you think you could give us periodic updates on how Adam's doing? You know, progress reports, photos... especially photos, maybe having him pose with... ohh... current newspapers, for example?

    Why? Umm... No reason. Just a random thought.

  12. Oh that's right, arouse suspicion why don't you.

    I was about to write a whole comment about kids, but it was long and boring. However stop being polite. We all know that ADHD is just an excuse for kids being naughty.

    There, I said it.

    I will come back to this rant and write sensibly for a change when it is not so early.

    I bet you can't wait.

  13. Boring? You? Never.

    And no, I can't wait. What the hell, I'm awake now anyway.

  14. Alcatraz too small? Hmmm..okay how 'bout Madagascar? Much bigger. They'd only have to compete with pirates and Monitor Lizards. And you can bet those monsters eat pork.

  15. Madagascar! Yeah! Let me research that...

    Awwww. Too bad Madagascar actually has people on it already. As the fourth largest island in the world, it's probably big enough for all the turd-heads and losers Project Gilligan would want to send there. Plus, in addition to Bacon Ace's "reality show" ruse, we could remind everybody we want to send there of the cute little movie DreamWorks made a few years ago. "But even if you don't get picked for the TV show, don't you want to see Alex, and Marty?" (That wasn't a bad little flick, actually. I still lose it when they play the "Hawaii Five-O" theme during the surfing scene.)


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