This blog is officially "retired," but my other blog,
"The Lair of the Silver Fox," is still open for business!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Open the Door, Richard!

I probably should apologize for the amount of reprinted material I've been offering lately, but since hardly anybody read the stuff posted at my old blog address, it's all "new" to most of you. (Believing that lets me sleep at night. That and the fact that there isn't much I give a f**k about lately, anyway.) But if it'll make you feel better, I've got about six or seven all-new posts I'm working on simultaneously.
The following entry was first published on October 6, 2003. It was my very first "real" blog post after two kinda boring, introductory, "what-to-expect-from-David'Z-RantZ" type posts. The only edit I made was changing the word "butt" to "ass" because I'm even more ornery now than I was then.
Here's the scenario: You are walking a few feet behind me. We are both walking toward a manually-operated (i.e., non-electric, non-automatic) door, one with an automatic closing device attached. I open the door (I should add that this door opens away from me, toward the direction in which I'm headed, so I don't have to stop and back up to open it!), and begin walking through its doorway. Glancing back over my shoulder, as I instinctively do in such instances, I notice that you are only a scant distance away from reaching the door yourself. (And let's assume here that your hands are empty.) I pause, and hold the door until you catch up, since I am polite enough not to let a door slam in someone's face. ("Slam" isn't really the right word, because these doors actually close slowly. But you know what I mean.)
Now. Do you:
A) Place your hand against the door, thank me, and glance back to see if you need to repeat my action for someone close behind you?
B) Scoot around me and say "thank you," leaving me to hold the door for the next person as well, if there is one (or more)?
C) Scoot around me without saying "thank you," leaving me to hold the door for the next person as well, if there is one (or more)?
If you picked A, I thank you.
If you picked B, I don't particularly like you.
If you picked C, and they someday find your corpse in an alleyway, with a printed copy of this blog pinned to your back with a hunting knife... I have an alibi already, so I hope the police don't waste their time questioning me.
A note to those who would pick B or C: What you are, is rude and inconsiderate. What I am not, is "the doorman." Or doormat, for that matter. My politeness has often placed me in these circumstances, where two, three, or even more people brush by me as I am forced to play doorman. And eventually, I just say aloud, "Folks, I'm not the doorman, so somebody had better grab this thing!"
But things shouldn't have to progress to that point.
Maybe the reason so many people are impolite nowadays is not through lack of education or good upbringing, as I tend to believe ordinarily. Maybe it's just that they don't feel there's a sufficient appreciation of, or emotional payback for, their efforts. So they don't bother.
And you, Mr./Ms. "I Picked C," are part of the problem, because you sure as hell are not part of the solution!
So keep this in mind: If you are a rude person, and some total stranger is unnecessarily rude to you someday, maybe that's just Karma giving you a well-deserved bite on your ass.
Thanks for your time.
A Very Private P.S. -- Well, as private as anything can be on the freakin' internet! -- for Sparkle Plenty:

If you're not Sparkle Plenty, please stop reading.

No, I mean it.



Stop, damnit!


Just ignore these rude bastards, Sparkle. Here's the HTML you wanted:

[A href="URL" target=_blank][FONT color=turquoise]WORD[/A>][/FONT]

First of all, every single time you see a ] above, replace it with a >, and every time you see a [, replace it with a <. Blogger's composing automatically converts HTML whether I want it to or not.

To continue:

Let's say you're going to write "I read a really good article the other day," and you want your reader to click on the word "article" to magically open another window or tab. Your HTML would replace the word "article." In the body of the HTML itself, you would replace the term URL above with the URL of the link you want to send people to, of course. (Keep the quotation marks!) Replace the word WORD above with the word "article" or whatever word or phrase you actually use.

(The whole "FONT color=turquoise" thing -- and its follow-up "/FONT" -- is just because that's how I make my clickable links show up as such.)

I really apologize if my instructions sounded like I was talking down to you at any point. I don't know what level of expertise you have, PC-wise, and "it's better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it."


  1. I wasn't Sparkle but I read anyways because I couldn't help myself and I was secretly hoping it was some sort of tryst setup that I could sneak down and crash.

    Not that I would, of course.


    Where was I? Oh yeah...

    I always, always pick [a] and then hold the door for whoever's behind me. The only exception is around the annoying as some of my co-workers can be, the men are all very well-mannered (to me, anyways) and will insist on holding the door for me to walk through (they also stand back and hold the elevator for me).

    The only problem with this is...when I'm out and about in the 'real world,' I have a tendency to get extra cranky when folks just slam the door on me. Rage, rage, rage!

  2. The elevator door, that is...not the whole elevator.

    Lucky I'm not an editor or something, eh?


  3. Cake:

    1. Good thing you "caught" yourself on the elevator remark before I could make a crack.

    2. You are perfectly welcome to crash any tryst I have. Well, depending on your reason for crashing it. If it's like a police raid, where you bring things to a halt, no. If you're joining in, yes. (I ordinarily don't suggest such things to a married woman, but since you say you still "date"... )

  4. Cake: Almost forgot, "I wasn't Sparkle... " Thanks for explaining that. You're so cute.

  5. 90% of the time, I do comply with [A] in a genteel manner. However, there are those that open the door for me and expect me to walk in before them, and I graciously thank them, and if the opportunity presents itself with another door, I will in turn hold that door for the previous doorholder.

    However, I do not work in a 30-story cube farm, just a converted barn, so the frequency of those coming in or out of the building is far more diminished.

    Also necessary to be noted is the distance between doorholder and next person to enter. It is a judgment call when to hold and when to let go. The more I know or like the person, the more apt I am to hold the door longer. I say no more than 10 yards away does the next person away have to be for me to hold a door open. 5 yards for a humpy grinch.

  6. Background, folks: This has happened to me, several times, at the local post office. Often, people are carrying packages, but I specifically tailored my example so it did not include them. If I hold the door, the next person should thank me (and only "take over" if he or she is so inclined), but he or she is definitely not entitled to take advantage of me and set me up for others to do the same. This is obviously something that pissed me off the day I decided to write my first real RantZ entry, and since I'd planned to play a character of sorts who has an over-the-top reaction to stuff that annoys me, it seemed an appropriate beginning.

  7. "I'd planned to play a character of sorts who has an over-the-top reaction to stuff that annoys me, it seemed an appropriate beginning."

    But in between the time you had that blog and the time you started this one, IANO came along and...bam! There went your character.

    How disappointing for you!

  8. p.p.s.
    I think I typed up an explanation on some blog about my use of the word "dating"...but I either didn't post it, aliens ate it, or I'm just losing my mind and can't spot it.

    It's a quirk of Cake that I use "date" to mean dinner/drink plans with friends, instead of just a romantic outing. I have a date with four friends after work tonight, as a matter of fact...and I can assure you it's just dinner and nothing, well, more worthy of your David'X blog. Ha!

  9. Yeah, but IANO's really like that...

    As far as the "dating" thing, you did explain it somewhere today. I just ignored it so I could write my comment anyway. Artistic license. (Not "licence!" I'm an American!)

  10. Am I Sparkle? Am I Cake? If I AM Cake, am I really Lois? Or, are all of us IANO? If so, I am upset that CNN links to us. Actually, at the moment I feel very confused, small, and plastic. So, I'm definitely either Pork Luck or a dinosaur. Maybe both.

    If a lad or a lady is being all extra-classy and holding the door for me while standing aside and beckoning me forward, I can dig it and he or she gets an extra big smile. Otherwise, I'm Type A) all the way--the "touch door-hold door-person catches door" maneuver is a painless and pleasing bit of politeness and I'm aware of the protocol. Further, it is very likely that I'm holding the door, standing aside, and beckoning you forward (particularly if you are elderly or a woman with a baby carriage, but also if are neither). If I'm out in the world and not at my computer, I tend to be pretty happy about it. I've got time, brutha, and I like to spread a little sunshine around. If I spy someone with an armload of packages 1,000 yards away, I will beat him or her to the door (booting stray toddlers aside and knocking the infirm to the ground--I need to get my agita out somehow), and hold it.* Then, I will vault forward to the inner door and hold THAT. By this time, the person is pretty sure I'm crazy and is smiling nervously. So, I give a big, bright-eyed smile (lotsa teeth) and say "I like SANTA!"

    Some parts of the above paragraph are true, and others have elements of truthiness.

    THANK YOU for the code, David'z Rantz!

    *Better still, I'll sprint to the person's side, lift him or her in my arms, and carry him or her to the destination of choice. I do that instead of a gym membership.

  11. P.S. I love the song "Open the Door, Richard!" Whoever I am.

  12. Sparkle, why are you confused as to who you are? Is it because Cake's not you? But if she's not, then you can still be you.

    And who am I taking to the prom?

    Cake? Cake? Are you there? I've changed my mind. Please pass the infrastructure.

  13. I just walk thru walls.

    I don't need no door held for me.

  14. I'm not Cake. I'm Sparkle.


    Sorry, strangely enough, I'm out of infrastructure.

  15. Now, now, Cake, you and Sparkle are both adorable in your own ways, but interchangeable? Perish the thought!

    And too much infrastructure? Here, you'd better lie down on the couch, until you feel a little less shaky.

    [to other bloggers] ALONE, you perverts! As Jimmy Stewart said in The Philadelphia Story, "there are rules about things like that."

  16. DAVID'Z RANTZ! Okay, now I'm pretty sure I'm Sparkle. Unless Cake has poison ivy, too. If I am Sparkle, I'm saying: HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND! ('cause you liked it so much when I said that last week!) Be good to yourself, Chief, aw-ight?! Aw-ight!

  17. Sparkle, here's hoping your weekend is equally spiffy and splendiferous.

    BTW, this was probably my last blog post. I think I'm going to become a full-time actor.


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