This blog is officially "retired," but my other blog,
"The Lair of the Silver Fox," is still open for business!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Short Shorts

Hey, don't hit me! I'll start posting all-new material very soon, I promise! I've just got too much other crap going on in my life right now, and for what this thing pays...

Anyway, today's offering is a greatly-edited combination of the first two "Short Shorts" posts from my old blog address, which appeared on October 11th and 14th, 2003, plus an October 17th entry from that same year called "The Curse of the Bambino," which was short enough to warrant its inclusion here. And hell, I'll even throw in a little bonus from yet another old blog in a footnote, you lucky ducks!

1) I can sympathize somewhat with the whole solidarity thing, that "we're in this together" attitude, but I still think it sounds ridiculous for a couple to declare "we're pregnant." Folks, no matter how cute a couple you are, the truth is that one of you had a passably good time a while back, and the other has really got her work cut out for her during the next nine months... and beyond. And no amount of empathy is going to put the man on that delivery table, screaming his lungs out and begging for last-minute meds.

2) "Bad" is an adjective, not a noun. I can't do a "bad." I don't have a "bad." Saying "my bad" or "your bad" instead of "my mistake" or "my f**k-up" sounds... well... bad. Whenever I hear someone say, "My bad," I want to ask, "Your bad... what?"

3) On a similar note, although the word "attitude" is a noun, it almost always used to be accompanied by an adjective. When did "attitude" no longer need said adjective to imply that the attitude we're talking about is a negative one? "He had an attitude." "She was giving me attitude." Hell, Pollyanna had a freakin' "attitude," folks! Hers was just a sunny, pleasant, eternally-optimistic one! Who makes these new grammatical "rules," anyway? And why can't I be consulted once in a while?

4) Am I the only one who thinks that combining the names of two romantically-involved celebrities into one (as in, "Brad + Angelina = Brangelina?") is totally freakin' moronic?!? What the hell is this, "The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant?"

Remember "Bennifer" (Ben and Jennifer... the other Jennifer, that is)? What, were we too lazy to say "Ben & Jen?" That would have been kind of catchy, in a sappy sorta way. Ask the ice cream guys. They've always done well with "Ben & Jerry's." And "Ben & Jen" has three syllables, just like "Bennifer." (Granted, it won't work that way for other names, but, hey... )

And as far as "TomKat" (Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes) goes... well, actually, that one is admittedly a bit more clever than than "Tatie," or whatever the hell else they could have come up with...

But I digress.

It's not just "Brangelina" and "TomKat" that suffer this indignity. For several years, fans of television couples have subscribed to this nonsensical practice, as well. About four or five years ago, ABC's "One Life to Live" had a couple, Troy and Nora, who naturally became "Trora." There are many more examples, like "Trory" (Tristan and Rory) during early episodes of "Gilmore Girls."

Folks, one of the scariest things about a romantic relationship is the chance that you and/or your "significant other" (another silly term, IMHO) may lose your own identities. And this name-combining madness implies that you've done just that!

The rule seems to be that the male in these relationships gets top billing. So, if I, like Ben Affleck, ever date someone named Jennifer (which is very possible, because I certainly have in the past, and I know several women named Jennifer), I guess those brave-hearted souls willing to risk my ire would call us "Dennifer?" ("David + Jennifer = Dennifer") Hm. I suppose, then, that if I were to date someone named, for example, Denise, we'd become... umm... Denise?

Wow. Then I'd disappear entirely! Now that's scary.

5) (Remember, the following is from October 17, 2003!)

Okay, now that the Boston Red Sox vs. the New York Yankees ALCS series (which the Red Sox lost) has ended, here's a quick plea from an admittedly "fair-weather" Red Sox fan: Next time, could we just let the above-pictured bastard sleep?*

Just a mini-rant, here, folks, directed at those who win any sporting event: Please don't give "the good Lord" credit because your team won a freakin' game, okay? Assuming there is a God, do you really think He cares who wins? And if so, why can't He make up His all-knowing, all-seeing mind? Lemme get this straight: He wanted the Yankees to win tonight, but wanted the Red Sox to win the night before? Or maybe the Red Sox only won on the days when God was elsewhere, like maybe, causing an earthquake in Argentina?

Or do you think that He and Pete Rose are taking bets on the side?

*Yup, 2003 sucked for Red Sox fans. However, as all the world knows, in the following year, they fared a little better. On October 28, 2004, I re-printed the above photo and posted the following entry, under the title of (naturally) "The Curse of the Bambino, Revisited":

Umm, excuse me, Mr. Ruth? Umm... Mr. Ruth?

Sorry to wake you, but, I'm a Red Sox fan, and with all due respect...

Fuck you.

(Sorry, just had to say that.)

Thanks for your time.


  1. I agree whole wombily with your first rant. As a mother of 5 I can say,there was no we on the hospital bed, other than me and the child. There were spectators, cheerleaders, coaches, etc. But in the end, it was me and babe.

    Though after, it was nice to hand the wee one back over to the other in the "we", so I could nap. After being so selfish for 9 months, I wanted to make sure Daddy got some bonding time in.

  2. Nice to see that someone else keeps the same godforsaken hours that I do...

  3. Sleeping is not my specialty.

    But I seem to do my best writing when I am on the edge of sleep. Please understand that when reading my posts as their could be some mistakes in grammar.

  4. I know what you mean. I am possibly the best speller I know, yet I still utilize a spell-checker feature to point out silly typographical errors, as well as actual misspellings due to lack of sleep. (For example, earlier this evening I caught myself writing "miniscule" instead of "minuscule.") I highly recommend any available fail-safe features like that for those who write without benefit of an editor.

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. I have been so tired that I have not caught that the spell checker was giving me different words than what I meant. Red pointed that out to me once.

    But I can not claim to being the best speller in my class. But I try to get by with the spell checker.

  7. Just now, for example, when I realized a word was misspelled and had to delete the comment and redo it.

  8. My Darling Ishat's Fire and David'z Rantz,

    Please get some sleep! While you're both still very funny when fueled by scant rest--I'm worried about your driving! Sleeeep sleeeep Sparkle slowly swings a watch chain in front of their heavily-lidded eyes reeeest reeeeest!

    Cool. They're asleep! Now I can program them to do my evil bidding. Or to at least fetch me jellybeans on demand. One or the other.

    HEY! You two are just PRETENDING to be asleep while you peek at me with one eye open! Heh. How'd you like my comic style? Heh. Evil bidding. Heh! I'm such a joker. rats


    P.S. When "melded name" couples split up, what if it's a messy divorce and, as part of the California community property laws, you MUST walk away with part of your ex's name as well as a portion of the cars and vacation homes? Tomatie for Life.

  9. Sparkle:

    How was your weekend?

    I have good news and bad news for you,as follows. You can decide what's what.

    1. There'll be another post on Wednesday.

    2. Actually, it'll be a combination of two posts, much like this latest one, only even longer.

    3. The upcoming two-in-one post will, once again, be recycled stuff.

    4. I plan an all-new post on Friday.

    5. June 1-7 will see an entirely new, daily, seven-part series of posts on one particular subject. They won't be rantZ; they'll actually be chapters in a story I promised someone I'd write for her before she died.

    6. Want some jellybeans? (Now why the hell did I write that?)

  10. 7. "Tomatie?" I like that even more than "Tatie" or "TomKat."

  11. David'z Rantz! That looks like 100% good newz to me, brutha! I'm looking forward to all of it.

    2. If you're combining two posts, will you merge their original titles--like Tomatie, except much longer and perhaps a challenge to render coherent? (I liked Tatie best.)

    6. Yes. I would like some grape jellybeans, please. How nice of you to ask! BWAH HA HA HA HA! WAIT. DAMN. IDIOT. Why didn't I ask 'em to buy me a new cell phone instead? JELLYBEANS! Why is it that I must always focus on JELLYBEANS for my nefarious doings?

  12. Must get Sparkle beans....

    Ishat goes off and comes back with some black beans, red beans, pinto beans, Lama beans and magic beans.

    Ishat wander around stumbles around and stumbles back to bed.

  13. P.S. Not such a great weekend--but thankz for azkin'!

  14. [typing while gift-wrapping a jar of grape jelly and a can of green beans]

    Merge the titles? And after all I said about that practice? How dare you even suggest such a thing? Bad Sparkle!

    Actually, on a similar subject... On the post listings at my old blog address' archive page (It was set up differently than Blogger does theirs.), I always gave my Short Shorts entries a caption of sorts to differentiate them, and the caption would combine the subjects of each into a semi-coherent phrase. For instance, the remarks about pregnancy, "my bad," and the word "attitude" inspired the caption "Pregnant with attitude? My bad." A later one, dealing with 1) the Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles, 2) how the US postal service destroys packages, and 3. prejudice, was titled "The RMV, the USPS, and the KKK?"

    Just little crap that kept me amused....

    And you would have had a better weekend if I'd been your prom date! ;-)

  15. 1) There is no "we" in anything involving pain. Unless there's a slap or punch thrown or something. Just sayin'.

    2) I want jelly beans.

    3) David'Z has just outlined his posting schedule through mid-June but I'd started playing with my unbathed cellphone and missed it...anyone want to sum up? IANO?

    4) There was a prom and I wasn't invited?! Damn you all!

    5) Yankees suck.

    6) Red Sox do NOT.

    7) Yankees still suck.

    8) I used to keep those godforsaken hours but over the last two months, I've been in bed before 11pm. I might be possessed.

    9) Nothing for #9.

    10) Happy Monday! Infrastructure!

  16. Cake:

    1. Well, some people are rather kinky...

    2. Jellybeans? Jellybeans? What on earth made you mention jellybeans?

    3. That "posting schedule" was specifically addressed from me to Sparkle. You're reading her private correspondence again, eh?

    4. Funny. There was a HUGE poster announcing the prom, displayed prominently in IANO's nerd store. Why didn't you see it when you were there using his computer the other day?

    5. Yup.

    6. Yup.

    7. Yup.

    8. Wimp.

    9. Me, neither.

    10. *Hic*

  17. I think I may be impressed that you plan your posts so far in adavance.

    I need to sit down. My capri pants are rubbing.

  18. Hey, I like seeing women in Capri pants. Some women, anyway.

  19. 1) Point to you, sir.

    2) Who said jellybeans!? Dammit! Give me jellybeans!

    3) When's the next note to Sparkle going up? I'm getting bored, here.

    4) Ha! As if IANO would let me use his computer. Boy are you gullible. (I was at the internet café around the corner.)

    5- 9) Yup, yup, yup, yup, and nope.

    10) Now there's nothing for #10, either.

    10.5) I, personally, can't wear capris; didn't you hear they make women look 10 lbs heavier and 3 inches shorter? I can't afford that. ::puts on skorts, skips away::

  20. I completely agree with the whole "we're pregnant" bullshit. Should that particular fate befall me at some point and I am still speaking to the father after I discover I am with child, I dare the ass to say, just one time, "we" are pregnant. In the delivery room I will have a pair of pliers or something to that effect and I will demand to see his scrotum. Wanna be in this together? You got it, buddy. ;) hahaha The whole combined name thing is, to me, completely uncalled for. They are a couple, not some mutant creature fused together by some mix up in a time machine or something. If that was a poor analogy...all I can say's late. My bad. hahaha


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