This blog is officially "retired," but my other blog,
"The Lair of the Silver Fox," is still open for business!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Short Shorts

1. Since so many states and even countries are now instituting all-out smoking bans in their restaurants, we should turn their old "smoking" sections into "cell-phone" sections, and segregate those loud & annoying bastards.

2. Two things you need to know about "In the Air" by Phil Collins:
  • Every single story you've ever heard or read about how that song came to be written is bullshit.
  • If you're sitting alone when that song is playing, and you don't play "air drums" when that big-ass drum roll comes in the middle of the song... well... you're, like, the only one who doesn't do that.
3. Dick Martin, 1922-2008, R.I.P.

Dick Martin, the funnier half of the Rowan & Martin comedy team, died a few days ago. Dan Rowan and Dick Martin are best remembered, of course, for being the hosts of the then-cutting-edge TV show, "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In."

been a fan of theirs since early childhood. (They were a team long before I was even born.) I used to love watching them on various variety shows and talk shows. Dan's character was that of the straight man, and Dick's was a mildly lecherous, slightly-smarter version of Gracie Allen, with his own off-kilter view of the world.

Once they'd started doing "Laugh-In," their outside appearances -- well, those I saw, anyway -- were annoyingly infrequent. In fact, if memory serves, the last time I saw them perform as a team, it was on a talk show. The talk show, The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. It was around the time of the 1972 presidential election, and once they'd sat on the panel, they pretty much ignored Johnny and the other guests for about four or five minutes while they discussed, among other things, Democrat George McGovern's running mate, Sargent Shriver.

Predictably, the difference between "Sargent" and "sergeant" was lost on the dull-witted character Martin portrayed. He referred to McGovern's proposed vice-president as an "old military man. Sargent Shriver."

Rowan, of course, was quick to correct, "He's not in the military. That's his name. Sargent Shriver."

"What kind of a name is that?"

"It's an old Yankee name!"

"You don't name a kid Sargent... "

"Well, maybe I don't, but... "

"You name a police dog Sergeant!"

As the laughter began to die down, Carson interjected with, "You know... it's a shame you guys didn't prepare any material for tonight... "

I just threw that in because the "Laugh-In" stuff is readily available, but how many of you ever heard that routine before?

4. I am so glad they've finally come out with a "Sex and the City" movie!

No, I'm not actually going to go see it, silly! I never watched it during its original HBO run, and have no desire to catch up now. And if I just want to see Kim Cattrall act like a slut... Well, I think I must still have her number around here somewhere... I mean, everybody else does...

Besides, isn't "Carrie Bradshaw" that bald, ex-football player who keeps trying to act?

No, I'm just glad the the title "Sex and the City" is now being emblazoned across everyone's television screens at the end of the ads for the flick. Because now, everyone will finally learn that the freakin' title was never "Sex IN the City!"

(Yeah, right. Sure they will. There are still people out there who think that Leonard Nimoy played a character called Doctor Spock on a show called "Star Track!")

But hey, if it'll make you feel any better, I might pick up the soundtrack CD -- if I can find it discounted on eBay or Amazon -- for mood music when I have an overnight guest.

5. Update #1, involving my "Buyer Beware!" post of 5/16/08:

To date, all three of these scumbag internet companies...
...have refunded my money. However, they are still scumbags. Stay away from all of them. Also, I have been able to buy things online with my debit card, contrary to BILLNET-ONLINE.COM's threat.

6. In the "Profile" section you get to fill out when you have a blog on Blogger, they give you the option of answering a random (silly) question. The last time I asked them for one, it was "Lionesses have no manes. How do they know when they've grown up?" My answer was "They get boobs, and they get alcoholic beverages served to them in bars."

But then I thought about the male lions. In live-action movies or animated cartoons, we always see male lion cubs (that have no manes) and/or adult male lions (with their impressive, full manes). I wonder... What do the male lions look like around the time when they hit puberty? I mean, there has to be some in-between point, right?

I'm sure I could find the answer on the internet, but I refuse to look for it. Finding out the truth would dispel the mental image I have of an "adolescent" male lion with a mohawk-style mane. And I rather like that.

(I just got this weird brain flash, singing, "I've been through the desert on a horse with no mane... ")

7. Update #2, involving my "Short Shorts" post of 2/21/08 (fourth subject):

I finally got around to asking a waitress why so many restaurants give people who are dining alone (as I was this evening) teeny-tiny empty plates along with the plates the appetizer is served on.

She said there are people who may very well be dining alone, but may not finish their appetizer and want to bring the unfinished food home to someone else! And that "someone else" may be so anal (and yes, she actually used the word "anal," a ballsy but otherwise unfortunate word choice for someone working in a restaurant) that he or she may not want leftover appetizers that were on the same plate that someone else was eating directly from earlier. Kinda like how you have to take a new, clean plate for every trip to the food bins at a Chinese buffet.

Wow. And they say I over-analyze stuff.

But as far as I'm concerned, if I'm bringing you free food, and you're worried about whether or not it briefly shared "plate space" with food that I did eat... F**k you, you ingrate, go buy your own.

Thanks for your time.


  1. //isn't "Carrie Bradshaw" that bald, ex-football player who keeps trying to act?//

    Ha! Fantastic ideas there buddy. Also, as you'll see in my next post, I read your bit on Southbridge, and I was in your neck of the woods last week even though you're not from there.

    Can I get my own section of the train for being on the cell phone? (I was guilty of that a week and a half ago Saturday.)

  2. 1) People who talk on cell phones in stores/restaurants should be dragged out in the street and beaten. Or something.

    2) Who's Phil Collins? Okay, I'm kidding...::plays air drums::

    3) At this rate we'll be down to Jim Carey for comedy and that's it. And maybe that guy who's playing Maxwell Smart in the new movie...can't remember his name right now. Why are we remaking Maxwell Smart, anyways? This is a truly crazy world we live in. ::hangs up shoe phone::

    4) Sex in the City movie...::vomits::

    5) Yay refunds!

    6) I could answer this but I'd just be lyin'.

    7) I want to save some of this blog post for later...can I have a side plate?

  3. --I'm very bummed out about Dick Martin. :-( I hadn't heard.
    --I have never heard or read a story about how "In the Air" came to be written. I don't even have a far-fetched theory on tap. This disturbs me. Thus, my freshly-minted theory is that "In the Air" was written after Peter Gabriel stole Phil Collins' kippers.
    --What kind of food from what kind of restaurant?
    --No! Thanks for YOUR time!

  4. Redbeard: Looking forward to your next post. And we'll give you the cattle car if you want to use your cell phone.


    To comment on your comments in NO order whatsoever...

    3. Steve Carell's the actor you're thinking of. And making a new "Get Smart" isn't very... bright. But hey, it's from Hollywood, where the best new ideas come in the form of remakes and sequels!

    7. If we can swig off of the same bottle of infrastructure, we can share a plate.

    4. Ohhhhh... !!! Who's gonna clean that up?!? Why can't you puke on your own blog?

    1. I think I love you. (Don't tell Mr. Cake. Some things, he may not be so willing to ignore.)

  5. Sparkle, sorry to be the one to have broken the news about Dick Martin.

    IIRC, if you do a search on, you can find out all sorts of UNtrue stories about "In the Air." If not, let me know, and I'll try to fill you in.

    And by "this evening," I actually meant the night I drafted that post, which was about a week ago... I believe that the appetizer was boneless buffalo wings (almost a prerequisite with me), and the main course was haddock with a scallop stuffing. Why? I didn't save you any, if you're wondering... Sorry.


  6. Scoundrel! That's why I told the waitress to give you an extra plate, ya know.

  7. Sorry. How can I make it up to you? Infrastructure? Cookies? Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich? (You'll like the way I make them; I put the peanut butter and jelly on the inside!)

  8. Dear David'z Rantz,

    Just keep ranting--that is repayment enough.

    I had NO idea about this song. Wheeee-ew! Thanks (you damnable haddock/scallop miser)!

    I believe that you owe me a thing or two as June draws ever near.


  9. "I believe that you owe me a thing or two as June draws ever near."

    You are so right. And since we missed the prom, and I didn't save you any leftovers, maybe I can buy you supper? ;-) Or cookies?

  10. I meant supper or cookies as thanks for the other stuff I "owe" you." (Which ought to make sense to only you.)

  11. Fuck you, ingrates, indeed! Free food, as long as it is actually edible, is always a good thing regardless of what damned plate it was sitting on. :)


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