This blog is officially "retired," but my other blog,
"The Lair of the Silver Fox," is still open for business!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

It Gets Me Every Time

I'm always surprised that, whenever I open a can of "Evaporated Milk"...

It's not empty.

Thanks for your time.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Oh, They Mean Well, But...

First (Imaginary) Scenario: I'm with a friend at McDonald's -- or Wendy's, or Burger King -- and the girl at the counter is... not really rude, just rather indifferent. My friend and I proceed to our table.

Friend: Well, there you go.

Myself: There I go... what?

Friend: There's your next blog.

Myself: How's that?

Friend: Your next blog, your next rant! There you go!

Myself: What are you talking about?

Friend: That waitress, the rude one. There's your next rant.

Myself: She wasn't really rude.

Friend: Well, there's your next rant.

* * * * *

Second (Imaginary) Scenario: A friend and I drive through an area I haven't passed through in over thirty years.

Myself: Wow... I haven't been around here in ages. Maybe even since I was a kid! [pointing] See that store? I must have gone there dozens of times when I was a kid. I'm surprised it's still open.

Friend: You should write a blog about it.

Myself: What?

Friend: You should write a blog about it.

Myself: Nahh... Nothing there to really write about. It's just a random memory.

Friend: You should write a blog about it.

* * * * *

Third (Imaginary) Scenario: I'm giving a friend a ride, helping her do a few errands.

Friend: They moved it again...

Myself: Moved what?

Friend: [Names favorite new TV program] They changed its night again. How's it supposed to build up an audience and keep from being canceled if they keep changing the night it's on?

Myself: [shrugs]

Friend: That should be your next rant.

Myself: [shrugs]

Friend: Are you listening to me?

Myself: Yes. I'm also trying to watch the road.

Friend: It should be your next rant.

Myself: [shrugs]

Friend: Well, don't you hate it when they do that?

Myself: When they do what?

Friend: See? You're not listening!

Myself: Yes, I was...

Friend: Don't you hate it when they keep changing the night a program's on, so it doesn't get a chance to build up an audience, and it gets canceled?

Myself: [almost shrugs again, but thinks better of it] Sometimes. It doesn't bother me that much.

Friend: It should be your next rant.

* * * * *

Okay, friends -- and by "friends," I mean just that, my real friends in my real life, moreso than other bloggers -- here's the new deal:

I'll write 'em. You read 'em. But you know how I feel about unasked-for advice, right? If it doesn't click for me, I'm not going to write it.

So if you really want to see all these ideas of yours on the 'net... Git yer own blog.

Thanks for your time.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Friday, November 21, 2008

Orson'Z RantZ: A Special Guest Post


I don't give a crap where he is. Somebody'd better feed me!

Oh. Yeah. Almost forgot.

Thanks fer... nuthin'!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Another All-New "Short Shorts!"

1. There seems to be a debate as to whether using cell phones at a gasoline pump is dangerous. What little I've read on the subject says they probably aren't dangerous. I wish they'd find out for sure. And if they're not, then they can take it off the sign next to the pump which tells you about all the other evil things that you shouldn't do while filling your tank.

Until then, if I catch you using your cell phone at the pump, I will be the pain in the ass who tells you that you shouldn't be doing that.

That's all the warning you get.

2. No pictures this time. Oh, well, don't want you to get spoiled.

3. Boy, the economy sucks -- there's a newsflash for ya, huh? -- and people are falling behind in all sorts of payments. I know that because I've been getting lots of calls from collection agencies.

What's that? Oh, no, not for my debts! Nope. For other people's debts. In the past twenty-four hours alone, I've gotten two calls meant for my next-door neighbor.

How the hell did/do they get my number instead of his? Some computerized something-or-other that goes by the house address? Well, if so, they'd better tune it up, because they've only seen the tip of the proverbial iceberg when it comes to how rude I can be when I get these calls!

4. Mitch Mitchell, 1947-2008, R.I.P. ~~ Drummer Mitch Mitchell, the last surviving member of the Jimi Hendrix Experience, has died at the age of 61. Not much to add to that. Damned shame, 'though.

5. I'm not going to go into the whys and wherefores here and now -- if ever -- folks, but I'm about to disappear from the 'net -- not just this blog -- for a bit. Maybe a couple of days, maybe a couple of weeks, depending on whether I make bail several variables. A lot needs to be done, and my "Silver Fox" blog is pre-programmed & ready to go for the next couple of entries, so... There you have it.

Consider me MIA until further notice.

Thanks for your time.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

For Long-Time Comic Book Geeks Only

Leave it to "Robby Reed" of Dial B for Blog to find a photo of Steve
Ditko which is not the same damned photo everyone has seen before!


A quote from Roy Thomas:

I'll never forget the day I walked into one Marvel office not long after Ditko quit, and here's John Romita drawing Amazing Spider-Man and Larry [Lieber] drawing the Spider-Man Annual and Marie Severin drawing "Dr. Strange," and I joked, "This is the Steve Ditko Room; it takes three of you to do what Steve Ditko used to do."

You'll either "get" it, or you won't.

Thanks for your time.

P.S. ~~ Happy Belated Birthday, Steve Ditko! (November 2nd.)

Monday, November 10, 2008

Since It's Been a While Since My Last "Short Shorts" Entry...

Here's a new one! An all-new one, I might add.

1. "They" are doing it again.

A few times in the past, I've mentioned that people are either changing the meanings of words outright, or at least, using them in slightly new ways. I don't mind that -- unless the change in question is, like, f**kin' stupid -- because I fully realize that English is a so-called "living language," and a language either evolves or eventually dies out... just like those dinosaurs which our ancestors were all riding six thousand years ago.

(By the way, usually when I write something like "a few times in the past," I include handy-dandy links to examples of my having done that. Not this time. Sorry. Too much to do today. I may go back and re-do it at a later time, but... Probably not.)

Two or three (or maybe even four) years ago, I noticed that more and more people were using the term "grow" in ways that were acceptable, but slightly different from the norm. It had always been standard usage to "grow" tomatoes or corn, for instance, but now people were saying things like "grow your business" or "grow your income," when previously, words like "expand," "increase," and the like would have been preferable.

So. The word "grow" wasn't being used incorrectly, just "slightly different from the norm." But now it is the norm, because enough people have been doing it, and for a sufficient amount of time.

(On a related note, I've actually received spam ads offering to help me "grow [my] penis." That certainly gave me a weird mental image. Somehow, the idea of cutting it off, and then planting it in the backyard in hopes of eventually adding to its length didn't seem worth it to me. But that's just me; I'm funny that way.)

Anyway, over the past few months, I'm hearing and reading that a lot of people are using the term "oversight" the way "we" used to use "overseeing." And if you look up the definition of "oversight," you'll see that "supervision: management by overseeing the performance or operation of a person or group" is indeed its secondary definition. (But notice that they did throw in the word "overseeing" so you'll know what's up!) And "an unintentional omission resulting from failure to notice something" is still the first definition listed. My point is that I've only started hearing that second definition lately.

And they're still doing this crap without consulting me, which is the part about it that really bothers me. Bastards.

2. Please don't be offended by this next one, folks. I'm just making an observation, and not saying that the people who do this are stupid, or evil, or anything remotely negative. No, really! I repeat, I'm just making an observation.

When did people start posing for pictures like their heads are glued together?

You know what I mean. Look at any recent -- "recent" meaning since the 1990s -- pictures taken of yourself and somebody else, and I'll bet you're doing it.

I mean, if you look at family photos, and the like, from twenty, or fifty, or even more years ago, shots of two or more people had them barely touching. If one person even had his or her arm around someone else's waist or shoulders, it was the exception rather than -- here's that word again! -- the norm.

Maybe we as a society are just closer in a lot of different ways -- and not just the obviously physical closeness when you're posing next to each other -- and, more importantly, are less afraid to show it?

So, one last time: I'm not saying anything negative about the fact that most of "us" -- well, okay, not me personally -- are doing this whenever we pose. I'm just trying to make you feel self-conscious, and mildly uncomfortable, by calling your attention to it. Because that's what I do.

3. And, finally: Using the word "norm" thrice, as I did in #1 above, and once in #2, makes me think of "Norm" on Cheers. So I just had to share this cartoon with you, courtesy of -- and copyrighted to -- Peter David and James Fry:


Thanks for your time.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Something(s) to Tide You Over Until After the Weekend

When the weekend comes, a lot of the other Blogger bloggers post things like YouTube videos, write something to the effect of "Have a Nice Weekend!" and disappear until (usually) Monday. I guess they do something selfish, like devote the weekend to their families, or something. Oh, well, to each his own.

However, this week I'm going to post something (not a YouTube video) which I thought was great -- and stolen from here -- and it'll have to last all of you until Monday... because I have a lot to do this weekend, myself! (And that includes finishing Monday's post for my other blog!)

So there.


That's all. Nothing fancy. But appropriate, nonetheless.

Of course, if you think that banner's a tad boring, the following shot of Sofia Vergara may be more to your liking:

It works for me, anyway.

Anyway... See you Monday (or even later)!* Have a nice...

Actually, have whatever kind of weekend you want to have. I won't tell you what to do.

Thanks for your time.

*Unless some celebrity dies before then, and I'm moved sufficiently enough to write a tribute to him or her.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Michael Crichton, 1942-2008, R.I.P.

Stop me if you've heard this...

When I was still in high school, I saw Westworld. It was a really cool movie with an even cooler concept. The movie told the story of a theme park divided into three sections: WesternWorld, RomanWorld, and MedievalWorld. Each section contained incredibly lifelike robots which could interact with the park's guests. As it turned out, however, the robots went beserk, and started killing the guests.

Twenty years later, when Jurassic Park was released (based on the 1990 novel of the same name), I said, "Wow, that sounds just like Westworld, only with dinosaurs."

As you may know, the screenplay for Westworld and the novel Jurassic Park were both written by Michael Crichton... who has died from cancer at the age of 66.

Rest in peace, Mr. Crichton.

Thanks for your time.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I Was Covered Either Way!

Either...

Or...

Just sayin'.

Thanks for your time.







"I'm Clark Kent, and I approved this message. (And that damned Sarah Palin stole my wink!)"

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

A Fairly Brief and Totally NON-Political Post

From time to time over the last thirty years or so, I've set up at local flea markets to make extra cash or, failing that, simply to clean out my damned apartment once in a while. (Remember the government warehouse in the final scene of "Raiders of the Lost Ark?" Well, my apartment often looks like that, except that most of the boxes are made of cardboard, and not wood.)

A little over two years ago was one of those times. In with all of my other varied saleable stock were five radically different shrunken heads. Umm... actually, I should say shrunken head replicas. These ranged from a cheap ($5.95) plastic one -- the kind that a lot of teenagers and/or hot-rodders used to hang from their cars' rear-view mirrors back in the 1950s & 1960s -- all the way up to an uncomfortably-real-looking beauty made of goatskin (price tag, $65.00). The goatskin heads -- I had another, smaller one for $35.00 -- were quite the attention-getters, drawing several extra potential customers to my stand. In fact, I almost regretted eventully selling them.

One day, a gentleman entered my area and stood there for a moment, studying the $65.00 goatskin head, and a realistic-looking latex head which was marked $20.00. He suddenly spoke aloud, more to himself than to me, I think.

"They never had real shrunken heads," he proclaimed confidently.

I try never to argue with a customer, but Mr. Know-It-All (me) typically couldn't keep his mouth shut, so out came "Umm, actually... they did."

"You can't shrink a human skull!" he scoffed. (Yup, he actually "scoffed." Would I lie to you?)

He was right about that part, I admitted. You can't shrink a human skull. I sure as hell can't, anyway.

However, I then proceeded to explain in rather macabre detail how the flesh was stripped from the decapitated head, and followed up by explaining the steps taken to shrink the skin and prepare the shrunken head for display.

It was about two minutes into my learned recitation that I realized that the gent was staring at me in a way that nearly screamed "And why the hell do you even know this crap, anyway?"

Drawbacks of being "The god of Trivia" -- small "G," keeps me humble -- I suppose.

Not sure what my exact point was in telling you that story, really. But I'll bet it took your mind off the doggone election for a minute or two, didn't it?

Hm. "Doggone?" Damn. Slipping into that darned Palinese again...

I was going to insert a perverted joke here about
"a little head," but I resisted the temptation.
Oh, crap...

Thanks for your time.

P.S. ~~
I told you so!

Monday, November 3, 2008

"Security? SECURITY?!?" Revisited (Special "What's Goin' On?" Edition)

Hey there, ever'body! Remember this wacky ol' Guinness ad from the other day?



Sure ya do.

Well, nobody noticed that there was somethin' kinda... strange... about the photo. At least, if anybody did notice, nobody mentioned it ta me.

And what about the photo was strange?

No, no, no! Not the fact that these four kooky, kwazy kids are havin' their picnic right on the grounds of Stonehenge.

Nope. That's perfectly A-OK! These were the Kennedy years -- judgin' by the hairstyles -- and back then, with the Democrats in power here in the U.S. of A, it was "Anythin' goes!" all across the world!

As long as "anythin' " didn't mean anythin' Communist, don'tcha know.

Nope. Take a close look at the photo of the guy in front, chowin' down enthusiastically on that fried chicken.


Didja catch that? No? Then take another look. A reallllly close look! Put yer nose right up against the ol' computer screen if ya hafta!


What's goin' on with that leg/ankle/foot? It looks like one heck of a deformity ta me. And this was back in the day when the way we treated our deformed or handicapped was -- pretty much -- ta hide 'em!

So, was this ad a real breakthrough, like, say, a woman candidate for vice-president? Or was that gosh-darned photographer just asleep at the doggone switch?

You decide, and get back ta me on it, okay?

And ya do know where ta find me, don'tcha? [winks]

Thanks loads fer yer time. And don't forget ta vote!

(For the edification of our readership, the dialect for today's post was transcribed in authentic Palinese.)









"I'm David, and I approved this message."

Saturday, November 1, 2008

So, I Didn't Make It... (or, "Okay, So I Lied. Sue Me.")

Damn. As I finally get the time to sit down at my computer, it's 11:42 PM on Friday, and my unfinished draft for my "Wildflower" post is still just that. Unfinished.

Looks like I get to go back to my last post and edit it so it'll look like I never really promised to have the "Wildflower" entry posted Friday.

That, and I can throw a few tid-bits your way:

1. Remember my unnamed local politician from this entry? Well, a few hours after having received a "robocall" -- which featured... umm... "What's-His-Name," my state's lieutenant governor -- on behalf of "Representative So-and-So" on Friday, I received a call from Rep. So-and-So himself.

Live, as it were.

Oboy.

Rep. So-and-So -- whom I'll just call "Paul" from here on in, because.... well, because that's his freakin' name, folks! -- had a nice brief chat with me about the postcard smear campaign aimed against him. (And yes, I brought the subject up first, as you may have assumed, knowing me.) He assured me that he hasn't taken a drink since the night he was stopped for DUI, putting his past indiscretions in the "everybody makes mistakes" category. Fair enough. I've made one, mayyyybe two, in my own life, if I recall correctly...

I in turn directed Paul to several different chapters of My Island in which Patty, LeeAnn, Wayne, Diana, and/or myself drove around drunk and/or drinking without regard for human...

Okay, okay. I didn't really.

However, I did assure Paul that his opponent's dirty tactics -- and, I should stress, the other, good things I know about Paul's record -- have made me decide to give him my vote on Tuesday...

Or... whenever the election is. Has anybody heard?

2. "Studs" Terkel has just died -- or, as he would have probably phrased it, "checked out" -- at the age of 96. Someday I'll probably create a whole series of celebrity tributes -- called "I Should Have Known Better," since I'm a Beatles nut -- based on the idea that many recently-deceased celebs were people I really wish I'd known more about. "Studs" would be included there. I'm really not anywhere near as familiar with his work as I feel I should be.

To whom do you apologize for something like that?

3.
Now this is my idea of a police car! Almost looks like one of the 1980s comic book versions of the Batmobile, dunnit? Hoo-hah!

4. Months ago, before I started using photos of the older, bearded Orson Welles as "my" profile photo on my blogs, I used a South Park-inspired icon, created here. A few of the other Blogger bloggers ("Lois Lane" and "Redbeard," to name two, IIRC) had a little bit of fun creating (or re-creating) themselves on their own blogs.

(And by the way, Redbeard's engaging site wins the dubious award for "Weblog I Visit Regularly Which Has The Absolute Most Assorted Sidebar
ShitStuff, So That It Takes Forever To Load On My Computer, With My Piss-Poor DSL Connection." Just sayin'.)

Anyway, I just wanted to tell y'all that I recently returned to the South Park character-creator site recently, and they're offering a lot more options for creating a South Park type figure. (Different body types, more colors, tattoos, more skin tones, more backgrounds, etc.) Have fun, boys'n'girls!

5. As you may have noticed by now, there are a lot of things in life that piss me off... but one of the things that inordinately annoys me is when I've parked in a public parking lot, and I return to my car only to find a flyer for someone's business on my windshield.

I have two choices: Do I wrinkle it in disgust and throw it on the ground? Probably not a good idea. That's called littering. It's against the law. I could be fined for doing it. My other choice is to take it home (or elsewhere), where I can dispose of it properly. Making the second choice means that I have now been forced by circumstances into throwing away someone else's trash. Thanks a lot, s**t-head. Like I don't already have enough to do during the course of my day.

My only recourse against this practice -- outside of telephoning the idiot responsible (if it's a person providing a service), or entering their store to complain in person -- is to promise myself that I will never patronize any business that leaves their trash on my vehicle! (Damn, I think I've just used up my 2008 allotment of italicized words.)

To that, I can only add (and I'm -- theoretically -- speaking directly to the offending parties here) "so there," or, more to the point, "F**k you!"

6. I've said a few times recently that the frequency of my "David'Z RantZ" posts may start decreasing. Well, it's happening, slowly but shirley... errr, I mean surely.

Some signs of my personal apocalypse:
  • There's just too damned much going on in my personal life, whether good, bad, or "eh"... That's just how it is.
  • I've pretty much committed to do a weekly post to my second blog, "The Lair of the Silver Fox." Writing most of the upcoming posts to that blog will be time-consuming. Really time-consuming. "Real" writing, as opposed to whatever the hell this is. In fact, it'll almost be like real work, but without the added bonus of a paycheck.
  • If anything ever "happens" to me -- and yes, that means when I f**king croak -- whoever gets to dispose of my half-century worth of accumulated collectibles and other crapola has a truly monumental and unenviable task ahead of him or her. As Mr. T would say, "I pity the fool!" So I need to unload literally tons of stuff -- books, music, & movies -- between now and... [insert ominous background music here]... then. Being one who needs a sense of closure, I wanna read all of my un-read books, comics, & magazines before disposing of them, listen to all of my un-listened-to records, CDs, & cassettes before disposing of them, and watch all of my un-watched VHS tapes & DVDs before disposing of them! That means considerably less recreational computer time. As it is, I've already cancelled my cable TV. No more "new" programing to distract me (plus, I save $80 a month).
  • Hell, I can't even keep up with the dying celebrities on this blog! It used to be that when I heard of a celebrity's passing, I'd immediately sit down and dash off however many paragraphs it took me to do justice to so-and-so's memory, in accordance with my own feelings about the person. Now it's more of a "when I get around to it" type of thing. (I still haven't written anything about Tom Fagan -- "Who?" -- but I will.)
  • I've had to fight just to find time to read all the blogs by others that I enjoy (and link to). And as far as commenting on said blogs.... Yeah, that'll happen when & if it happens.
  • Besides, what have I got to write RantZ about, anyway? Look outside your window, folks, or read a newspaper. Everything's f**king perfect!
  • By the way, I should mention that, related to number... Oh, wait, there are no numbers, I just decided to do the so-called "bullet" thing... I should mention that all of this has nothing to do with the various medical issues I've alluded to on these "pages." Depending on your interpretation of those, you probably figure that I'm the world's biggest medical basket case and ready to shuffle off this mortal coil any minute now, or that I'm the world's biggest freakin' hypochondriac. (And, as is almost always the case, folks, the truth lies somewhere in between.) This isn't a scenario where Puff, that mighty dragon, sadly slips into his cave. (Besides, I'm not stopping this blog, just cutting down... eventually.) And you'll "always" have "The Lair of the Silver Fox" to fall back on. (Just don't "fall back" on it too hard, okay? Several things in there are breakable!)
Wow, this was almost kinda sorta pretty much a "Short Shorts" post by default, wunnit?

Thanks for your time.

P.S. ~~ I will put up the damned "Wildflower" post, but not until it's rilly, rilly ready!

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