This blog is officially "retired," but my other blog,
"The Lair of the Silver Fox," is still open for business!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Curse of the Cat Person (Or, "Is It Possible to Hallucinate on Too Much Caffeine?")


Orson: [hissing] Get that stupid thing outta my face!

David: [puts camera down] Okay, okay! Temperamental little dork. Who do you think you are with this camera-shy bit, anyway? Me?

Orson: Not bloody likely.

David: I wanted a more recent picture of you than the two I always use on David'Z RantZ.

Orson: Tough. Use one of the later ones, where Ninna's holdin' me. Just crop it so she ain't in it. That'd be too distractin', to say the very least.

David: Good idea. [rummages through stack of photos]

Orson: Which one you gonna use? [David shows him] Oooh, good. Has that "blends with the background" thing goin' for it, like The Shadow. Nice background, too, seein' as how I'm sittin'...

David: Watch your mouth...

Orson: Well... let's just say it's easy to see how she bribed you into allowin' her to bring me home in the first place.

David: That's enough; you weren't there yet, anyway. Now get off of my chair. I need to write my blog.

Orson: "Write?" You mean, embed another f**kin' YouTube video, don'tcha?

David: No, I said "write." I also said, get off of my chair! [Orson jumps onto bed.] And watch your language!

Orson: What difference does it make what I say? You'll just censor it with those candy-ass little asterisks, anyway. Like that really fools anybody.

David: Stop being a jerk. Geez! The one day you finally decide to talk, and you have to be a... Hey. Why are you talking? Cats can't talk.

Orson: Don't ask me. [taps David's extra-large coffee mug with his paw] What's in that cup, anyway?

David: Coffee. Only coffee. Doubly-strong coffee, true, but...

Orson: Just put my half of the conversation down to "willing suspension of disbelief," and leave it at that, okay? [pauses] So, what's today's blog topic? Lemme guess: Somethin' about how wonderful your stupid childhood was, and how much today sucks weenies?

David: Something like that. Umm... How did you know?

Orson: [looking at list of last 20 or so David'Z RantZ posts] Playin' the odds. You pretty much phoned in six or seven of these, and as far as those that were directly or indirectly nostalgic... Five, more or less. Hm. Thought there were more. [shrugs... as much as a cat can shrug] Then again, that's only on David'Z RantZ. If we look at the last couple of months' wortha posts on The Lair of the Silver Fox, most of those have been lookin' back at your... [David turns to computer keyboard] Hey! Stop that! Don't you dare!

David: What? What are you talking about?

Orson: You know damned well what I'm talkin' about! You were gonna put in one of those ... those... those little linky things where I said "The Lair of the Silver Fox," weren't you?

David: Yeah. So?

Orson: So... don't distract people from what they're readin' now. Unless you wanna distract them from what they're readin' now.

David: What's that supposed to mean? Why would I want to do that?

Orson: I think it's called "misdirection," ain't it?

David: Misdirection from what?

Orson: From the fact that this blog... I mean, I assume that this post is goin' on the RantZ blog and not the Silver Fox thing, right?

David: Yes...

Orson: Well, sorry to break it to you, bunky, but this blog ain't been so hot lately.

David: You're probably right...

Orson: Probably? Take an honest look at it. Several YouTube videos instead of "real" posts. And some other, "fluff" pieces, padded with -- once again -- those ever-popular YouTube videos.

David: Do you call that Lesley Gore entry....

Orson: No linky thing! No linky thing!

David: Fine.

Orson: No, the Lesley Gore thing was okay, I liked it... but it was still just another one of those "relivin' my wonderful friggin' childhood" posts. And I do like the similar one you're draftin' about Jay Black of "Jay and the Americans" ...

David: [whispering] Sh! You'll spoil the surprise.

Orson: Yeah, right. Whatever. You keep rippin' yourself off. It's like you're relivin' the time during your childhood when you were writin' those Red Raven comics, like you just told about on your Silver Fox blog -- No linky thing! No linky thing! -- and... Hell, instead of the Silver Fox, maybe we should call you the Green Fox. You're so ecologically-friendly, you're recyclin' everything! And by the way, I sincerely hope you don't think no one noticed the similarity between this post and the one Sparkle Plenty did on her Dinosaur Casserole blog a few weeks ago! [David turns to computer keyboard, Orson scratches his right hand] I said no linky things, damnit!

David: OW! That hurt, you fuzzy little f**k-head!

Orson: Now who ain't watchin' his language?

David: [in a mocking tone] Not to worry! I'll just censor it with some of my candy-assed little asterisks!

Orson: Well, anyway, it serves you right. Why can't you ever just refer to one of your fellow Blogger bloggers and leave it at that?

David: It's "friendlier" to new readers of this blog, and to those regulars of mine who don't read everybody I link to.

Orson: The other Blogger bloggers do it.

David: They can do whatever they want. They're adults, and it's not for me to try and tell them what to do. I have too much respect for them.

Orson: Really. I'm impressed.

David: Why?

Orson: I never thought someone could kiss so many butts in one sentence.

David: Ass.

Orson: I heard that...

David: Good for you. So. Any more insults about David'Z RantZ before I actually go back to writing it?

Orson: Do you or don't you agree with me that it ain't been up to snuff lately?

David: Maybe...

Orson: "Maybe," he says. I know you agree. That's why you changed your user name on Blogger from "David'Z RantZ" to "The Silver Fox," isn't it? To draw attention to the blog you're prouder of?

David: Maybe.

Orson: [sounding oddly Jewish] Again with the "maybe." Well, don't let yourself get too puffed up, palsie. Even the Silver Fox blog ain't been all that great lately. Which reminds me: Ain't it time for another hooker story over there? [pauses] Y'know, you keep that up, and people will start thinkin' of you as a one-trick pony! [pauses] You get it? [pauses] Hookers? [pauses] One-trick?

David: I get it. I also "got it" when Paul Howley said it a few weeks ago. Now who's ripping off material?

Orson: Never mind that. [paws... I mean, "pauses"] Hey, I saw that. You were about to type in a linky thing to Paul's Wikipedia entry, weren't you?

David: Well... yeah! I mean, how many people can say that their boss has his own Wikipedia entry?

Orson: Former boss, you mean, from when you worked at the Eisner Award winning pop-culture emporium, That's Entertainment, in Worcester, Massachusetts, over twenty years ago! [pauses] And I'll bet you were gonna link to that, too, huh?

David: I was, but I don't have to, now...

Orson: [makes feline equivalent of a sigh] Fine. Whatever. We all know your blogs are lacking something lately.

David: "We all?" Who's "all?"

Orson: Me, you, and your readers. Ever think that maybe that's why you hardly get any comments lately, except for -- usually -- the same two or three people? I mean, not many of your regulars would bother commentin' just to hurt your feelings by sayin' "Wow, dude, you really suck lately!"

David: Maybe you're right. Comments are down, but the site hits are still right up there where they've always been. So I know my readership is still healthy, but I can't read their minds.

Orson: Maybe you should ask for people to comment more.

David: Ohhh, no! I tried that once, remember?

Orson: That's right. Everyone totally misunderstood you -- even 'though you told 'em, like, three times why you were askin' -- and they thought you were beggin' for comments cuz you were lookin' for love or somethin'. Ha! You? [Orson and David both laugh] Not bloody likely.

David: Think this time, it'll be different?

Orson: [pauses, looks at readers, then back at David] Not really. [pauses again] Anyway, just try to stop dwellin' on how happy you were as a kitten... I mean, as a kid.

David: So, what, I should apologize for having a happy childhood? Not everybody does, you know...

Orson: You're tellin' me! I'm much happier as an adult cat than I was in my... umm... kittenhood.

David: Oh? And why is that?

Orson: You're kiddin', right? When I was a kitten, you never let me out of the house! You'd let me sit on the windowsills, yowlin' through the screen to the outside world, knowing there were other cats out there... especially female cats... but you'd never let me out!

David: Of course not! You hadn't had your shots yet. I didn't want you catching feline leukemia, or rabies, or any other...

Orson: And then when you finally did take me to the vet's for my shots, you had them do that... other thing...

David: Oh, that.

Orson: "Oh, that?" "Oh, that?!?" If someone ever cuts your b***s off, let's see if you can ever think of it as "Oh, that!"

David: Okay, okay, lighten up.

Orson: And why do they call it "fixed," anyway? If anyone ever does it to you, I'll bet you start thinkin' of yourself as "broken!"

David: Enough.

Orson: And I just love the way they left an empty scrotum hangin' back there, like a fuzzy little reminder of what I usedta have! What the hell am I supposed to do with that, use it as a friggin' change purse?!?

David: [pauses] Are you done?

Orson: [checking notes] Yeah.

David: Good. I want to wrap this up.

Orson: Okay, then. [pauses] Say it.

David: Sayyy... what?

Orson: Don't play innocent with me. Say what you always say at the end of your posts. You're so predictable. [pauses] I mean... You are gonna say it, right?

David: Well... yeah.

Orson: Ever think of not saying it, just once?

David: Not really. And it's not a matter of my being predictable. It's... kind of a trademark. Every post ends with it...

David and Orson together: ...or a variation...

Orson: See? Predictable!

David: Bite me. [pause] OW!

Orson: Hey, you said... !

David: You try that again, you... you... you furred turd, and I'll make a throw rug out of you!

Orson: Here's a challenge for you! End this post, right now, without writing your so-called trademarked sign-off! I'll bet you can't do it!

David: That's just... ridiculous.

Orson: You can't do it, can you?

David: Of course I can!

Orson: Can't!

David: What the hell is this, Oscar telling Felix "Break the g******ed cup?" [pauses] Okay! You win! I won't say it! End of post!

* * * * *

That's when I got up from my chair, and walked away from the computer. In fact, I left the room. Hell, I left the apartment, and ran some errands.

When I returned, my cat was sleeping on the bed. He awoke as I entered the bedroom. I sat down in front of the computer to edit our earlier conversation. "Orson, are you going to try to be more civil now?" I asked him.

He just looked at me with a wide-eyed cat look that said, more or less, "Are you expecting an answer from me? Don't you know, cats can't talk?"

*sigh*

Oh, well. Thanks for your ti--

Crap. Crap!

11 comments:

Jeanie said...

Woe!Foxy, what's going on in your head?I think somebody put something in your coffee.And who's this Nina?I thought yu were single.If you want somebody who casn really talk back, give me a call.

Ishat's Fire and Ice said...

I wont comment it would be too predictable.

Damn... stupid fingers doing the thinking.

subtorp77 said...

David, you can never have too much cafffeine. I know. I've tried! Or maybe you've discovered Orson's cat-nip stash?

And what's Orson really know 'bout childhood stories? that's some of best materiel to use. Silly cat doesn't know sod all!

blunoz said...

That was funny. Very well written, David (and Orson).

Sparkle Plenty said...

HI-******' larious!

"No linky thing! No linky thing!" (Wait a second, NO! Put in a linky thing to me! Just to me!)
"Change purse!"

I laughed out loud with this post, but Orson is being way too hard on you, don'tcha think? I think you should dock his kitty treats for a coupla days and see if he sings a different tune (and/or ease back on the caffeine).

Isn't it hard having two blogs? I would think it would be...

cousin saul said...

David M.,
So...you mention me in your blog...and I don't get a link to my own very exciting, interesting, overly-long blog? (I know I'm really bad at posting new chapters...but one is coming soon) Thanks for the mention about my Eisner-Awar-Winning Store though!...Paul Howley

subtorp77 said...

Paul Howley has a blog, as well? Is the linky thingy up for that, David? Or are you trying to protect us(sometimes) readers?

The Silver Fox said...

Answers in reverse order:

SubTorp:

Yes, Paul Howley, owner of Eisner Award winning pop culture emporium That's Entertainment, has a blog. You can find it in a couple of places... either on the That's Entertainment website (http://www.thatse.com/howley.html) or on my blog's home page, over on the right in the "NOT the Weakest LinkZ" section. I have changed "My Life With Comic Books" to "My Life With Comic Books (Paul Howley's Story)" accordingly, so the world at large will now know where to find Paul's words of wisdom.

Frankly, Paul is a much better writer than I ever would have thought he'd be, and he's been improving visibly all along. His story's up to, like, chapter eight million, and starts out telling you all sorts of stuff about the early days of the comic collecting/selling business, and then before you know it, you're "tricked" into reading about a man and his family. Every so often there's an entry that reminds you that you're "supposed" to be reading a story about the comic book biz, but the story's interesting enough so you'll want to keep reading whether he's "on-topic" or not... to say the least!

Cousin Saul:

Orson wouldn't let me put any clickable links in this post, sorry. But don't thank me, thank him for mentioning your store. Personally, I really resent the way my two blogs always seem to be giving free plugs to That's Entertainment, a store for new and used comic books, trading cards, sports collectibles, video games, manga items, toys, role-playing games, and other collectibles. I mean, so what if it is New England's largest collectibles store? You've got a lot of gol-darned nerve expecting me to give you free advertising for your two stores, located in Worcester and Fitchburg, Massachusetts, and on the web at http://www.thatse.com!

Sparkle (a/k/a the Super-Cool-Plus Cutie-Pie):

1."HI-******' larious?" What's with the candy-ass little asterisks? And what did you find funny about my post? It was a serious conversation between A Man and His Furball.

2. I wasn't allowed to put a linky thing in my post, but you and your "Dinosaur Casserole" will always have a place in my "NOT the Weakest LinkZ" list... and in my heart... cutie-pie.

3. Cutting back on Orson'Z kitty treats would mean no more sharing the occasional rotisserie-cooked chicken with him, pretty much. And when you say "ease back on the caffeine," do you mean him, or me?

D. Lately, having two blogs has been "kind of a drag," as The Buckinghams would have said.

blunoz: Another person who didn't take this human/feline conversation seriously? As they say in the Virgin Islands, "Well, I never!" And don't give Orson too much credit. He may have spoken the words, but I'm the one who had to type it all out. (He can't spell for beans, anyway.)

SubTorp (again):

Orson doesn't do kitty stimulants. I bought him some catnip once, and just like any human child, he sniffed around the box itself but more or less ignored the catnip.

Ishat:

"Predictable?" You? Doubtful. I'd love to read whatever you have to say about this one! ;-)

Jeanie:

I am "single," Silver Foxette. Ninna -- not Nina -- is a very close friend and former roommate. That's her black dress, tattooed hand and *ahem* inner thigh in the photo with Orson, who looks strangely angry, for some reason. I say "strangely angry," because if I'd been sitting there, I would've been... umm... never mind.

As far as "somebody who can really talk back," why don't we get together later this week? It's after midnight right now, so I don't dare call you, but you'll hear from me in a couple of days, okay?

Jeanie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jeanie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Keair said...

"Orson: And I just love the way they left an empty scrotum hangin' back there, like a fuzzy little reminder of what I usedta have! What the hell am I supposed to do with that, use it as a friggin' change purse?!?" Hahaha That is so fucking wrong. Then again, this whole blog was...kinda...Wow, David. What was in that cup? lol

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